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about suzie

Suzie Johnson, cpc

Marriage coach & Affair Recovery expert since 1999



This website is designed to be a two-way conversation. Where you can ask questions, read or listen to my answers, advice and insights about love, trust & overcoming infidelity.





It was a great session I had with Suzie, more than exceeded my expectations and was of great help. Thank you very much for organizing this and I will definitely book some more coaching with her.


an Affair Partner

The Way of the Alpha Male

Answered by Suzie Johnson



Any way you look at it…

Bow hunting is hard work. It’s among the oldest forms of hunting. And although there’s no need for a modern man to hunt with a bow, the sport still thrives today. I believe that’s because it satisfies a very primal need within man — the need to know that if he should wake up tomorrow and find the entire modern world gone, he’d still have the necessary skills needed to survive.

Here are a few things to consider about bow hunting and the bow hunter:

  • Bow hunting is one of the ways a man tests himself against the most powerful force there is: Mother Nature!
  • For the bow hunter, the real thrill is knowing he has the skills that make him good enough to survive.
  • Bow hunting and rifle hunting are not the same.

Bow hunting is the sport of taking game animals by archery, while rifle hunting uses guns. But the difference is not just about equipment. Although there’s no doubt that rifle hunting requires skill, the use of the bow to hunt an animal requires extreme skill.

For example…

A rifle hunter waits patiently in a stand, tree or ground cover. If it’s a good spot, eventually the prey strolls by about 200 or 300 yards away into the opening. A good hunter shoots, scores, and that’s it.

Not so for a bow hunter.

He has to get up close and personal for the shot. He has to think about a lot of things in a small window of time. He has to select the right animal and the right shot. He has to consider how wind factors will affect his shot. He has to pay attention to the animal’s movement and body language as well as to his own. There might be a lot going on in the mind of a bow hunter, but he can’t allow any of it to distract him or alert the prey to his presence. This is why becoming a good bow hunter requires experience.

Which brings us to an interesting point.

Because of the level of patience, self-mastery and skill the sport requires, there are only two kinds of bow hunters: those that are consistently successful and those that are not. Those that are consistently successful are considered experienced bow hunters. Those that are sporadically effective are called novice bow hunters.

What does bow hunting have to do with being an alpha male?

The answer? A lot! (Here’s what I mean.)

Just as the world of bow hunting is divided into experienced and novice hunters, we can divide our own social structure into two types of males: the alpha male (one who displays mature masculine power) and the beta male (one who displays immature masculine power).

As in the world of bow hunting, there are some important characteristics that distinguish these two types of men. The alpha male is able to consistently attract and build  successful relationships with women, while the beta male consistently falls short.


We define the alpha male as any man who has consciously taken responsibility for mastering his destiny and is willing to master his own mind and emotions.

Because of his commitment to self-mastery, the alpha male consistently displays calm and stable energy, consistency in thought, and consistency in taking right actions. Therefore, the alpha male effortlessly enjoys the highest levels of love, prosperity, power, romantic success, passion and satisfaction… because he’s able to actualize his full mental, emotional and spiritual potential in this life.

Note: The term alpha male doesn’t apply to looks, wealth or status, and it doesn’t mean aggression or dominance, as in the animal kingdom. In our human social structure, the term strictly applies to a man’s decision to master his mind and emotions.

The term alpha (mature) male applies to:

  • Men who answer the call to grow mentally and emotionally
  • Men who take responsibility for their own mind and emotions
  • Men who are loyal to honesty and to living in tune with reality
  • Men who accept the responsibility to direct their own destinies
  • Men who make decisions based on what is right, not what is easy
  • Men who negotiate based on what is good for them AND good for others
  • Men who make themselves students of life, rather than victims of life
  • Men who are motivated to learn

How can you spot an alpha male?

The alpha male has three things working for him:

  1. His calm and stable energy
  2. His emotional mastery
  3. His mature masculine power

The Good News/Bad News

The good news is that every man has the potential to be alpha.

The bad news is that not every man will. Here’s why.

In order to reach his full alpha potential, a man must accept responsibility to become the master of his own destiny. He must make the effort to learn how to master his own mind and emotions.

This decision can only be made voluntarily.

Since there’s no one handing out prescriptions, many will default on this responsibility and end up being beta (immature) throughout their entire lives. While biological aging is automatic for every man, reaching his full masculine potential is not.

Let’s look a little closer at the beta male. Here’s the question…

Who is the beta male?

Who Is The Beta Male?


We define the beta male as any man who has consciously or unconsciously defaulted on his responsibility to become the master of his destiny, and therefore fails to learn how to master his own mind and emotions.

As a result of this failure to grow…

The beta male displays unstable energy, passive tendencies and childish reasoning. He will find himself growing increasingly frustrated, incompetent and oblivious to the evolutionary rewards of life.

The term beta (immature) male applies to:

  • Men who default, evade or ignore their responsibility to grow
  • Men who fail to learn how to master their own mind and emotions
  • Men who are closed to learning
  • Men whose reasoning skills remain stuck in adolescence
  • Men who see themselves as victims of life, rather than students of life
  • Men who lack patience, integrity and self-control as well as the desire to correct these shortcomings
  • Men who seek ways to escape, ignore or evade reality
  • Men who are driven to win approval at any cost
  • Men who seek dishonest advantages

Note: The term beta male doesn’t apply to a man’s looks, money, age or status. A man can be in his 60s or 70s and still be a beta male, or he can be 16 and display alpha tendencies. The term beta strictly applies to any man who defaults on accepting responsibility for his own destiny, and who thereby fails to learn how to master his mind and emotions.

How can you spot a beta male?

The beta male has three key things working against him:

  1. His passive energy
  2. His lack of emotional control
  3. His low status behaviors

By now, you might be wondering…

Are some men imprinted to be alphas and others to be betas?

Is it possible that some men are just born with alpha DNA, while others are doomed to remain beta forever? No. Banish any thought that alpha potential is predestined for some men and not for others. Because unlike wolves, human beings can “choose” their destiny.

Every man has both alpha and beta potential.

The alpha blueprint is hard-wired in every human male, just like the blueprint to become an oak tree is imprinted in every acorn. In the midnight of his soul, every man knows he has true alpha potential. However, unlike other mammals that don’t have a choice but to be what they were meant to be, human beings do have a choice. We have this pesky little thing called “free will”, which unfortunately also includes the freedom not to answer the call to fulfill one’s highest potential.

So, the question every man must ask himself is: how consistently do you answer the call to fulfill your alpha potential? Do you display more alpha, or more beta tendencies in your daily life?

To help you answer that question, take a look at the following infographic.


Secretly, every woman wants an alpha male. (Why do you think romance novels are the highest-selling books every year?) What romance writers are tapping into is a universal desire hard-wired into the female psyche from the dawn of time: an intense attraction to masculine displays of integrity, strength and power.

Note: For women, it’s not about looks or money; it’s about energy. It’s not about aggressive action; it’s about right action. It’s not about the way a man talks; it’s about the way a man makes decisions. It all comes down to the self-awareness and self-mastery a man displays (especially in social situations).

And when a man displays these alpha qualities, he meets three basic requirements that women look for in potential mates:

  • Female Desire #1: Status and Power
  • Female Desire #2: Strength and Safety
  • Female Desire #3: Mastery and Consistency

All that to say this…

Men who consistently display these traits are alpha males. These are the men that women compete and fall all over themselves for.

In fact, even when an alpha guy falls short, women are more likely to forgive and overlook his imperfections. Why? Because women know that men who consistently display these types of traits are rare, and are therefore highly-valued.

Did you know?

You may or may not know this, but all women (even the one you’ve been married to for years) mentally assign certain values (or points) to certain types of behaviors. To a woman, a man’s actions, words, thoughts or attitude in any given situation or setting falls into one of two categories: “high status” behavior (attractive) and “low status” behavior (unattractive).

And so it goes without saying…                                                                      

Men who consistently display alpha attributes are seen as high status males. So, it’s no wonder that so many men have been known to “fake their alpha status” via cars, flashy jewels and other material props.

The challenge is that while he can fool her for a while… he can’t fool her forever. Soon, as the glamor wears off and she gets a glimpse of his low status behavior… she begins to lose respect, desire and interest in him.

But wait!

Is there a way for a guy to overcome all that? Is there a way for a man to win back her respect and admiration, even if he has displayed beta traits? And is there a way for him to earn back the credibility his own immature (beta) side cost him?

The answer is yes. There’s still a way for him to win. All he has to do is dial up those alpha traits and reengage that call to actualize his highest potential… and he can recapture that “high status male” position in her mind.

Unfortunately, most guys do the exact opposite.

Once they fall from grace (when they do something that displays “low status” or act like an immature beta male), what they tend to do — instead of falling back on their natural leadership or alpha skills to help recapture any ground they’ve lost — is they continue relying on low status behaviors and immature tactics to get them out of trouble. But of course this never works. In fact, it only causes them to lose more ground.

But that’s not going to be your story.

If you’ve lost any ground with a woman… if you find yourself “walking on eggshells”… if you’ve heard words like “I love you but I’m not IN love with you”… if she’s pushed you into the “friend zone”… then chances are it’s because you’ve lost that high status position in her mind.

But I’m here to tell you, you can recapture that position. You can “alpha up” and recapture any status, power or admiration you lost.

And to help you do that…

Coming up next are four guiding questions you can use to guide your choices, actions and decisions towards recapturing that “high status male” position in her mind.

Why these four questions?

Simple: these are the areas and situations where you’re most likely to “lose” status points. The opposite is likewise true: they’re also the places you stand to “score” the most status points. Your job then is to learn to display more alpha traits in these four areas. Now of the four, I’m going to share with you a secret: number 4 is perhaps the most important of them all. So, when you get to that question, I suggest you slow down and really pay attention.

Your mission (should you choose to accept it):

  1. Review the beta vs. alpha traits shown in each section of the infographic.
  2. Self-evaluate, using your intuition (gut) as your guide, as to how committed or consistent you have been in moving toward those alpha traits or behavior.
  3. Make a commitment to remove any beta traits and replace them with alpha traits for the next 30 days.

Why 30 days? Two reasons:

Reason #1: Because that’s about how long it will take for her to begin to notice your changes and respond to them appropriately. A month is a “full cycle” in the female world. You need to give her at least that long to notice and respond to your changes. (Of course, she’s going to be skeptical and maybe even hostile for the first three weeks or so. Don’t let that stop you. Keep going!)

Reason #2: You need a month to test it for yourself. It takes 21 days to form a new mental habit. Give yourself time to adjust and to notice the responses you’re getting… not just from your partner, but also from the world in general. Then after 30 days, you can evaluate. Decide for yourself which way works better for you.

Important notes:

  • Notice! This is about evaluating, not criticizing yourself.
  • Notice! This is about consistently moving towards high status behaviors, not changing or compromising.
  • Notice! This is about increasing self-awareness, not inflicting self-judgment.

Are you a High Status Male? Click here to the next page and let’s explore that question. 

Are You a High Status Male?


Remember, the goal is to use each question as a barometer to help you gauge which side of your personality you’re displaying more often. 

Keep in mind that the more alpha traits you display, the more “high status” points you recapture. With that said, let’s get to the questions.


Social settings and situations are very important to women. 


Because one of the top female fears is fear of social judgment. Therefore, women enjoy being with a man who displays high status social skills. So if you want to “up” her desire to be around you, you’ve got to show more high status behaviors in social settings.

Know The Signs Between Alpha And Beta Males


Do This: Make a commitment to remove any low status (beta) behaviors, and adopt more high status (alpha) behaviors in social settings.

Bonus Points: Find out from her what specific social behaviors she places a high value on and begin to adopt and display those behaviors. For example, if she says ‘I think men that open doors for women are cool,’ or ‘I think men that pull out chairs for their dinner partners are attractive,’ instead of arguing or resenting those actions (as most immature males tend to do), simply embrace them knowing that it’s not important what those things mean to you (or to other men). What’s important is that she assigns high values to them, and you can use her own scorecard to win her back.


According to Cesar Milan, the famous dog whisperer, dogs don’t respond to words; they only respond to energy. And in the dog world, there are only two kinds of energy — stable and unstable. When you encounter a dog, it immediately senses your energy. If you display stable energy, the dog responds to you with respect. However, if you display unstable energy, the dog will respond to you with aggression or disrespect.

So, in dog world…

  • Stable energy = calm, assertive, confident, playful, alpha pack leader
  • Unstable energy = passive or aggressive, fearful, anti-social, submissive follower

What’s interesting is that females are equally sensitive to energy.

So, in female world…

  • Calm, assertive masculine energy = High status male
  • Unstable passive/aggressive energy = Low status male 

Note: What she’s really responding to isn’t a man’s words, but his energy. Therefore, if (or when) a man displays calm masculine energy, she responds to him with desire and respect. But if (or when) he displays unstable masculine energy, she responds with rejection and disrespect.

Why is calm masculine energy so important to women?

That can be summed up in one word: trust. For women, trust is the ultimate currency — in life, in love, and in marriage. To a woman, trust represents both safety and freedom. 

Am I saying that your ability to display calm masculine energy is one of the keys to recapturing her respect and admiration? YES! That’s exactly what I’m saying.


Do This: Make a commitment to remove any signs of nervous or anxious type of energy around her (never let her see you sweat).

Bonus Points: Ask her this: when she meets a guy, what are the signs or clues he shows that makes her know he’s a truly confident male? Begin to adopt these traits in your own life.


Do You Communicate Like an Alpha?


For a woman, how a man communicates is the number one sign that tells her if he’s a high status male or a low status male. In other words, there’s no more obvious place for your level of maturity or immaturity to show than in your style of communications. Now, most guys assume that communication means “talking” or “words”, but that’s not all it means to women. Yes, for women words are important… but there are also other things more important than words.

For example, in female world (by order of importance):

  1. Tone: deeper = higher status
  2. Tempo/Pace: slower = more intelligent
  3. Way You Frame the Future: positive = more self-assured
  4. Presentation Style: humorous = more competent
  5. Word choices: picture words/sensual words = more emotional depth (range)

Do This: Buy and read the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” by Marshall B. Rosenberg. This is the book that I use as a model for all my couples communication workshops. It’s also the guide used by world leaders, diplomats and UN ambassadors the world over.

I highly recommend this book because it gives you the one key to the communication puzzle that most men are missing: how to communicate with compassion and yet still communicate with high status. For example, there’s a fine line between apologizing and supplicating. This book will help you walk that line.

Now, for the most important question of all.


Do you know the difference between beta and alpha in the bedroom? If you said resistance, you’d be right. The beta male meets with a lot of it, and the alpha male never does.

What’s the key difference?

Two words: romantic intelligence. Simply put, the alpha male has it. The beta male does not. What is romantic intelligence? It’s having the know-how, skills and sensory acuity needed to arouse a woman’s romantic yearnings and awaken her sensual desires.

Why is romantic intelligence so important in the bedroom ?

It’s important because for a woman, romance is like sunshine to a flower — it’s what causes her desires to open up and bloom. And just as without sunshine, a flower doesn’t open, without romance the gates of paradise remain firmly closed to you.

For example, for a woman…

  1. Romance is pleasure without sex (sex is the byproduct of the romantic pleasure).
  2. Romance is more than just a feeling (it’s a state of mind, where she gives herself permission to enjoy pleasure).
  3. Romance rituals are the “breadcrumbs” that lead her to the promised land.

So, when a man fails to lay out those romantic breadcrumbs for her to follow, he meets with resistance, reluctance, boredom and “fake passion” in the bedroom.


There are only two types of men in the bedroom: those who meet with resistance and those who arouse romantic longing.

And because the beta male is low on romantic intelligence (maybe he simply hasn’t taken the time to learn), he is usually unaware of her secret romantic yearnings and ignorant of her true sensual capacity.

For example, he…

  • Won’t know what “romance” means to her (different for every woman)
  • Resents that he even has the need to still “romance” her
  • Thinks being “romantic” is the same thing as being a “pushover” (miles apart)
  • Underestimates the power of her emotions
  • Believes that foreplay begins IN the bedroom
  • Hasn’t learned any “new” foreplay skills in the last decade

On the other hand…

The alpha male has high amounts of romantic intelligence, so he’s aware that every woman (including his own) has certain repressed romantic desires that never go away even after she’s married. He also knows that a woman’s capacity to experience sensuality is infinite, but it only awakens under the right conditions. So he never disregards her romantic desires, he never stops dating her, he never takes her affections for granted, and he never forgets that her playful spirit is never far from the surface. He will put all his energy and effort into creating the right conditions by which that playful, sensual playmate appears.


Putting It All Together

There are traits in a man that every woman is attracted to. We call them his alpha traits. Men who consistently display these alpha traits are seen as high status males. To help her discern between “high status male” (alpha) and “low status male” (beta), a woman assigns certain values to a man’s behavior. Depending on his behavior (with or without his knowledge), women put men in either an alpha or beta category.

Interestingly enough…

It’s not about perfection; it’s about consistency across the board. For example, a man can display alpha traits at work, but then turn into a “beta” at home. That man will not be seen as an “alpha” by his wife, but as a beta male.

Another interesting observation?

A woman can love a beta male with her entire being. In fact, many do… because men who display mostly beta traits make great best friends, as well as wonderful caregivers and providers. And yet, although she loves him deeply, she may feel little or no sexual desire for him.

What’s going on?

Here’s my theory. 

Beta traits create “comfort”, while  alpha traits build “tension”. A woman needs to have both.

Think about it like this: What is sex without passion? 

If you said porn, you’d be right. So why don’t women respond to porn the way that men do? Here’s why: because porn fails to build sexual tension. And for women, it’s all about the buildup of anticipation, the stirring up of her repressed longings and the “promise and delay of satisfaction” that arouses true passion.

Your job? 

Recapture any points you may have lost due to past actions or behaviors.

From this moment on…

Become that “high status male” that has a high degree of romantic intelligence. 

This means you need to learn how to build comfort and build sexual tension. You must learn how to be both a “playmate” and a “soul mate”, how to be her best friend as well as her passionate lover.

Do you think you can do that? 

I know you can.

Until we speak again…

Remember… Love Wins!

P.S. I created an entire process on rebuilding your marriage after infidelity. Learn More Here