ALL POSTS FOR BETRAYED PARTNERS Q&A

Dear Suzie, Is forgiveness (letting go of resentments) a decision? Is it a thought, or is it something else? I love him more than myself. But since his infidelity, I’m extremely fearful of the future demon waiting to slay me with another affair. He’s committed to me I know that. But I’m still mad every time my enormous fear strikes! Thank you for the opportunity to serve.  Your question is a really good one. And I am honored to help you find the answers you seek.  And if you don’t mind, I’d like to approach this by tell you a personal story – about my mother-in-law. Many years ago, when she was a child, a devastating tornado ripped through my …

Thank you for your wonderful blog! My husband had a two-year affair with a clinical psychologist, not his therapist. Upon discovery, she came to my home to convince him that she is better for him even though he made clear that he was going to work on his marriage. She knew he was narcissistic but fed this disorder…even in my presence. Before discovery…

Dear Suzie, I can’t stop thinking about the other woman. I know he’s at fault, too, but for some reason, I totally blame her. She knew what she was doing. She knew he was a married man. I think if she hadn’t thrown herself at him, none of this would have happened. I can’t seem to get these angry thoughts out of my head about her. I want her to suffer in hell for what she did to our family. What should I do about these negative feelings I have toward this woman? I can certainly understand your frustration. From what you’re saying, you believe that if she (the other woman) hadn’t provided the lure or dangled the bait under his nose in the …

Dear Suzie, What kind of woman does this to her family? Does this to her kids? How could she have been so selfish, so insensitive? Didn’t she think about how it would destroy me and our family? Now, she tells me every day how sorry she is and that I’m the man she really loves, but I can’t help thinking those are just words. Her actions prove I’m not enough for her. She couldn’t possibly be satisfied with me, or else why would she need to sleep around? Can you explain this to me? I understand your frustration. It makes sense for you to feel the way you do. Right now, you’re being confronted with two conflicting pieces of evidence. …

Dear Suzie, I caught my husband having an affair a few months ago. I wanted to save my marriage so I decided to forgive him. He promised to stop seeing the other woman, but I recently found out that all the way through marriage counseling, he was still seeing her and lying to me and the therapist. So now, this is the second time I’ve caught him cheating. What should I do? You’re in a very tough situation, because the first discovery of infidelity was like the marriage boat capsizing. And now, with this second discovery that it has continued (even after your partner has sworn it was over), well, that’s like the boat sinking. But take heart. Just because …

Dear Suzie, I want to forgive my wife, but I’m worried that if I forgive her too soon, she’ll just think that I’m weak and she can do this to me again. So how long should I wait to forgive her if I don’t want to look like a doormat? I get this question so much, I wrote an entire article about it. So, for more in-depth advice, I suggest after reading this, you also read my article called How to Deal with an Unfaithful Spouse. In the meantime, let’s clear up some of the confusion you seem to be having about forgiveness. Confusion Vs. Reality About Forgiveness Confusion: Your forgiveness is something she needs to earn. Reality: True forgiveness can never be earned. If it …

Dear Suzie, I can’t stop obsessing about them being together. Just the thought that she did things with him that she never did with me is making me crazy. I have these images of them together, and I keep replaying them over and over in my head. I know I’m torturing myself, but I can’t seem to get these thoughts out of my head. What should I do? Sounds to me you’re stuck in the obsession loop. Now you might be wondering, what’s the “obsession loop”? Let me explain. The obsession loop is like watching the perpetual replay of a horror movie, except that the details are taken from your own life. If you were going to advertise this movie, the poster …

Dear Suzie, Four months ago, I found out that my husband cheated. This one selfish act destroyed my entire belief system. I used to be a very positive person. I used to believe the glass is always half-full, and that something good always comes out of every disappointment. Now, I don’t feel that way. It’s robbed me of my faith, my trust, my belief in people. Now, I think it’s every man for himself, and it’s a dog-eat-dog world. I have become bitter, cynical, and angry at the world. I am devastated at how much this has changed me into a person I don’t like, and I fear I can never change back. Can a person ever learn to trust …

Dear Suzie, I look back on our relationship, and think he always had a higher sex drive than me, he always wanted to try certain things in bed that I never wanted to. Now, I find myself wondering everyday if, had I just been more sexual, more adventurous, maybe he wouldn’t have done it. Did my low sex drive cause my boyfriend to cheat on me? When one partner strays, it’s very common for the other partner to think he or she could have done something to prevent it. For example, a betrayed woman might think… if only I were younger, smarter, prettier, cooked better, were more fun, shaved my legs, kept up my career, stayed home with the kids, were more …

Thank you for this incredible website! I recently forced my “best friend” to admit to me she was having an affair with my partner of five years (with whom I have two children). I have challenged myself to forgive my partner, although I will never allow the “best friend” to be in my or my family’s lives ever again. My partner and I have been having intense, honest, heartfelt connections over the last month since the bomb dropped. I have basically given him two requirements to move forward as a union: #1: He must commit to being monogamous with me. (He has agreed.) #2: He must cut off contact with this other woman. Basically, he must cut her out of …

I just found out that my husband of 9 years cheated last year when we were pregnant with our first child. He was traveling for work Monday through Friday every week. We had a plan in place in case he ever got tempted or lonely. He instead chose to sleep with a girl he had just met at a bar. He claims that he didn’t resist because he was lonely from traveling and horny from not having sex as much as we used to. He is a serial liar, and I don’t know if loneliness and being horny could alone drive a good man to cheat. Before this, I had only been with him and he had only slept with …

Why am I obsessed with my husband’s affair partner? My husband made a clean break from her. He told her he regretted their actions, he hated what they did, and he wished he had never met her. He also told her everything they did was based on a lie, so nothing between them was true. He told her he loved me and not her; still I can’t shake the thought that if I forgive him, she’ll be walking around thinking that he couldn’t really mean what he said because he had the affair with her. Why do I care what she thinks? Thank you for the opportunity to serve. The situation you find yourself in, although unpleasant, is actually very …

Thank you so much for this site, the resources on it, and for the audio materials you offer. I recently purchased “Forgiving Infidelity and Releasing Pain” and already, it’s helping me to learn how to be calm and patient, and to come from a place of love (even when all I would usually feel around this issue is anger, hurt and pain). Although my partner and I identify ourselves as an emotionally monogamous couple, we have recreational sex with others (we are swingers). He has been a “swinger” for many years, and I was basically new to it when we started dating. Early in the relationship, we set the boundary that we would only play with others together, meaning we …

My partner of almost three years continually cheats on me. I have come to understand that there hasn’t been a time when he hasn’t been with at least one other woman, all while claiming to be in a “committed” relationship with me. When I have broached the subject with him, I’ve been faced with outright denial and outrage that I would even suggest such behavior of him. I’m ashamed to admit that I have always backed down for fear of losing a man who makes my life so special. I wonder what the harm is in ignoring his cheating? The time and life that we have together (prior to my knowledge of his serial cheating) is wonderful. Will he eventually …

My fiancé and I have dated for five years and have had a beautiful relationship overall. He is my best friend and has respected me and been there for me through thick and thin. Having said this, I recently found out my fiancé had an emotional affair for nine months or so (it basically started around the time we got engaged). They had been “sexting” and exchanging pictures over texts and e-mails for over nine months, once every three to four weeks. I never suspected anything because his behavior never changed around me. He was never too careful around his phone or computer and still spent most, if not all, of his time with me. Finally, he said this woman …

I have been in a relationship with my kid’s father for almost 9 years. Two years ago, he slept with another woman and there is a possibility he is her twin’s father. I don’t know how to forgive him for that still. And also about a week ago, I found out that he had been talking to other women and has gone on a date with one of them about a month ago. He says he loves me and wants this relationship to work, but I find it hard to believe because this isn’t the first time I have caught him. I think I stay because we have children together, but I do not trust him. I am willing to trust …

Do you need to know all the details — where they went, what they did, gifts, how many times they had sex, how long the affair lasted? My husband has had two affairs, and they were consecutive. I believe they both lasted a combined two years, but I am unsure. Fortunately, he has repented and is remorseful. The struggle I have is that he didn’t — and still doesn’t — want to tell me everything. He has been afraid to tell me everything because he says he doesn’t want to lose me. So I guess the bottom line is how much do you need to know and not know to heal and forgive. Thank you for the opportunity to serve. …

My husband had an affair with a co-worker. He no longer works with her, and swears he has told me everything, yet I don’t believe him. I think it’s because it took 3 years for him to finally confess that they actually had sex and weren’t “just friends.” I felt like I was being tortured for years knowing the truth, but that he just wouldn’t give me peace. Now that I have the truth, I still don’t have peace. It’s worse. I want to forgive him and move forward in our marriage. He has shown genuine remorse, has gone to counseling, and has bent over backwards to change and to be a better husband and father. BUT I just can’t …

What does this other woman see in my man? He’s nothing to write home about. He’s an ex-convict, he’s not a financial catch, he lies, and he’s not shown himself to be trustworthy — either to me or to her — and yet, she still won’t leave him alone. I just don’t understand it. Thank you for the opportunity to serve. Let’s go through your questions, slowly and step-by-step. You wrote: “What does this other woman see in my man?” Well, the best way to answer that question is by asking another one: What do YOU see in him??? You’ve listed a lot of undesirable qualities in this man that surely would scare off the average woman, and yet… he’s …

I am struggling and I’ve had a rough week, even rougher than the week before. Since I came across your website, I read every single article and I still feel like there are so many more questions and issues that are unresolved at this point, I hardly know where to start. So I will begin with the most painful ones… To begin with, although my husband’s affair happened more than a year ago, I feel like I am not progressing, but actually regressing in a way, and I feel angry, depressed, negative about myself ,and pressured not to feel this way because I’m supposed to be responsible, responsive and moving on. What should I do, I just can’t seem to …

For the last 3 months, my husband had been very distant, working late, not answering my phone calls. I feel that I was in denial about what he was doing. It is so unlike him to cheat that I just pushed that out of my head. Well, 2 weeks ago, he was sleeping and somebody kept leaving messages. I checked his voice mail, and it was a girl saying she missed him and why wasn’t he there? I confronted him about it and he said he’d been hanging out with her for a couple of weeks. I told him I loved him, but we needed to go to marriage counseling so I could forgive him. He then started saying how …

My wife cheated on me years ago. At first, I gave her hell, then I got over it by enjoying the fact that she liked sex so much, she did it with someone else while I was away. For the last three years, I’ve been asking her to do it again. She hasn’t yet. Is this absolutely crazy? I can’t stop thinking about it and how I would love to make love to her afterwards and tell her how much I love her. Thank you for the opportunity to serve. I must say, your question is by far one of the more interesting ones I’ve had in a while. Re: Is this absolutely crazy?Answer: Absolutely not. Your response is natural, …

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 11. When I first started seeing my husband, he was also seeing 2 other women and 1 man (didn’t know about the man at the time.) Well, since our marriage, he has cheated on me with 3 women that I know of, one of whom he’s seen on several different spans of time over the years. There has been ABSOLUTELY NO TRUST in our relationship in years. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for years. I feel like he destroyed that a long time ago. But I do love him and we have two children together, ages 12 and 6. I think I’ve stayed all …

My husband and I have decided to work on our marriage, as it’s what we have always wanted but haven’t really known how to do. He has moved back home, we both go to individual counseling, and we see a counselor together who says we have come leaps and bounds in how we communicate together in order to create a passionate marriage. In my family of origin, I have always been a compliant child, keeping quiet, putting others before myself, and in general, doing anything just to keep the peace. My individual therapy has unleashed my anger at living like this, so I’m now learning to put myself first when it comes to my needs, my wants, and my life. …

My husband had an affair with one of his employees. Now, he’s pressuring me to forgive him and to not break up our family — as if it was me that would break our family. At first, I did tell him I forgive him, but now a little voice in the back of my head keeps saying that my desire to please people pushed me to forgive. While I do see that he didn’t realize the consequences his actions would have caused when he had his affair, and while I feel like I can forgive him for not having this knowledge, I am still furious that he did it, and I am mad at him for pressuring me to forgive. I think …

You answered my questions last week, regarding my husband who cheated for 3 months and when I found out, told me “she” was the perfect girl. Once I moved out, he took everything back and said he now wants to work things out. I know you answered why he reacted the way he did, and why he said this girl was perfect. We’re going to see a marriage counselor tomorrow. My question is, could this really work? Could our marriage survive an infidelity considering we’ve been together for 9 years? Where do we start? Should I not live with him while we try to figure this out? Thank you for the opportunity to serve. Let me begin by complimenting you …

My husband, whom I’ve been with for 14 years, and married to for 10 years, recently told me he has fallen out of love with me over the past two years. We’ve suffered five pregnancy losses (two ectopic, three miscarriages) in the past 3 1/2 years. Until we started trying to have kids, and up until the last three miscarriages, he said he was head over heels in love with me. Currently, he is attracted to two women he works with, and one woman in particular that he’s had an emotional affair with, who kissed him once at an after-party for work. This “kiss” almost cost him his job, as people from work saw it, and he’s also her boss. I …

My wife has been having an emotional affair with her boss. She confessed in our counselor’s office to having a crush on him, and that nothing I say or do can stop the way she feels. She says she loves me, but she can’t help the strong feelings she has for him. After this confession, our counselor advised her to limit all contact to work-related matters, and to stop communicating with him after business hours. She said she would, but I recently found out she’s been emailing and texting him. I related this incident to my counselor, and also told my wife that I can accept her friendship with this guy if he was really just an acquaintance, but warned …

How do I go on after finding out he cheated with over 50 women?!! He has a band. Married 32 yrs, then I find out he had been cheating the first 10 yrs. No major complaints through our marriage, though. 3 children. He only had one night stands ‘cuz he didn’t want relationships with any of them. I was a virgin even after being with him for 7 yrs before marriage. I was a good girl… do you understand. I now drink in my room every night… and I never drank in my life… I never even had sex with anyone else. Now I want to have sex with someone, anyone. Of course he says he hasn’t done anything in …