GoAskSuzie

Blog Menu

Suzie’s Top 4 Online Workshops

Join over
35,000 people

Get updated when Suzie posts new answers and advice

Free Updates

question

Thank you for the opportunity to serve. This is a great question, and one that I get all the time: whether or not to tell his or her spouse about the affair. However, chances are my answer and advice aren’t going to help you much. You see, I can’t advise you whether or not you should tell his wife — that’s a choice you have to make. However, what I can do is guide you in asking yourself the important questions… so you can decide which option is right for you. With that said, here are some guiding questions to help you decide what you want to do.

Guiding Questions (To Tell Or Not To Tell)

Option A:  You tell his wife.

Option B:  You don’t tell his wife.

So let’s think about both options logically… 

Option A:  You tell his wife.

Question #1: What will you gain from doing this? (Make a list of possible benefits and rewards.)
Question #2: What will you lose from doing this? (Make a list of risks and losses.)
Question #3: What (if any) hidden desires are associated with this decision?
Question #4: What is it costing you to NOT make a decision either way?

Now, here are some examples of what might be on that list, taken from my previous clients who’ve found themselves in a similar type of situation.

List Of What I Could Gain From Telling Is Wife:  
  • Freedom from guilt
  • Sense of doing the right thing
  • A way of making amends for what I did
  • If I help her see who she’s really married to, I’m doing her a favor (which would make me feel better about myself).
List Of What I Could Lose By Telling His Wife:  
  • I could lose his attention and respect.
  • I could ruin a family (which would make me feel bad about myself).
  • I would be bringing pain to another person (which would make me feel bad about myself).
  • I risk losing him totally (and all the things the affair gives me).
  • I risk finding out that he really would choose her over me.  
 List Of My Hidden Agenda:  
  • There’s a part of me that wants to punish him (so he doesn’t get away with it).
  • There’s a part of me that wants him to choose.
  • There’s a part of me that wants to punish his wife by telling her she’s not married to a saint.
  • There’s a part of me that feels that by telling her, it’s the only way I can set myself free.  
List Of What It Will Cost Me To Not Make A Decision:  
  • I live in angst every day.
  • I feel like I’m doing something wrong to another woman.
  • I don’t trust or like myself.
  • I have to live with the pain of indecision.  

Side note: The decision NOT to decide IS a decision… because NOT choosing is a choice.

So now it’s your turn.

Make your list. Be honest about what’s on your hidden agenda and really allow yourself to weigh the risks and rewards, then make your decision. And as you think about that, I want you to think about this…

Self-esteem is “feeling good about yourself,” and those feelings are generated from making good decisions. On the other hand, self-loathing comes from feeling bad about yourself, and those feelings are generated by making poor decisions that drain you of self-esteem.

So the real decision facing you is this…

Which option stands a better chance of delivering you maximum self-esteem (feeling good about yourself), and which is more likely to lead you towards the opposite?

I leave that decision up to you.

However, there’s something I want you look at very closely. Regardless of whether or not you tell her, the real iceberg in the water is your choice to stay IN the affair. Focusing on anything else is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Until we speak again…

Remember… Love Wins!

Suzie Johnson

About Me

This blog is a non-judgmental and love-based conversation about how to deal with the after effects of infidelity. If you are looking for a place to lash out, vent anger or spew hate, this is not the place for you.

My husband had an affair for 4 months. I was totally devastated and felt my whole world was destroyed.

I decided to check the internet for help and found Suzie's website. I loved the fact that even though her website was free, it was so very informative. It truly was a wealth of information and answered a lot of questions that I had, and validated feelings that I was having. My husband found it also very helpful for himself.

We were offered the 12-session private coaching course and found out about the cost. We decided this was something that would be incredibly helpful in…

Robin K. (USA)

What can I say? My life was in shambles and the slew of bad choices I had made left me empty and miserable. In trying to save my marriage, I came upon Suzie on the web, and it was as if someone had left a light on in the dark.

Desperate for any help, I booked a session with Suzie. Just in that first hour, I knew I found the help my wife and I needed. It was as if she knew me. And her frankness and compassion made me feel at ease and open. More so, her philosophy and…

Mathew C. (USA)

Suzie Hi!

Just a note to tell you that we are doing great since our 3-day weekend intensive with you.

Mark has now much more “awareness” in all fields of his life: Me, Kids, Work and it is a real miracle to see him acting in a new way.

Thank you!

As for me, I am feeling safer and I am starting finally to relax and enjoy the renewed energy. Words can't tell you what a blessing you were/are to our lives.

God Bless you.

Missing you tons!

Nadia

Nadia L. (Singapore)

I believe that nothing that happens in this world is a coincidence. It was by the grace of God that I found Suzie Johnson during one of the most challenging and difficult experiences of my life.

My husband of 15 years betrayed my trust by having sex with another woman whom he had known for only a couple of days. I found out in a very shocking and hurtful way and was suffering tremendous emotional and mental pain when I found Suzie Johnson’s website. I was desperately scouring the internet for information about how to deal with infidelity when I…

Janee L. (USA)

The day I discovered my husband had been cheating on me was the day I thought my entire life was over. We had only been married for 7 months. The pure shock of that moment struck me like a bolt of lightning. Although the chances of being hit by lightning are much more slim.

My first reaction was obviously: divorce.

That's the only option at that moment, right? Well, not exactly.

After the initial bolt of electricity runs through your body, you have to realize that you can survive after going through such a traumatic experience. You just can't go through it…

Karen W. (USA)

We are months into the process, but new to Suzie. For the first time I feel like we can survive and be better.

Barry W.

Suzie, You were amazing yesterday in focusing on his charisma awareness! He looooved the Skype couple's session.

You are such an inspiration! 

I love you dearest Suzie 😉 

Mmmwah! 

Natalia P.