My wife cheated on me years ago. At first, I gave her hell, then I got over it by enjoying the fact that she liked sex so much, she did it with someone else while I was away. For the last three years, I’ve been asking her to do it again. She hasn’t yet. Is this absolutely crazy? I can’t stop thinking about it and how I would love to make love to her afterwards and tell her how much I love her.
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. I must say, your question is by far one of the more interesting ones I’ve had in a while.
Re: Is this absolutely crazy?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Your response is natural, though uncommon. If you ask the average man on the street IF the discovery of his wife’s affair could ever be considered a turn-on (no matter how long ago it was), the answer would be a resounding no. Most men can’t even handle the thought of their women with another man, much less welcome it.
That points to an interesting insight about you.
Obviously, you’re not the average guy. You’ve taken a potentially difficult emotion (jealousy) and managed to transform it into an exciting one (good for you). The ability to do this calls up some advanced skills. The question is, are you the only man that has ever done this? Nope. You are in great company.
- Felix Baumgartner is a master base jumper who has reframed the emotion of “fear” into a metaphor for personal freedom.
- David Blaine is an endurance artist, who has transformed physical pain into a signal to push the limits.
We may never understand “how” they transformed these difficult emotions and made them work for them instead of against them, but one thing can be said — they’re not your average guys.
I have an intuition about you.
I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve taken this “unconventional approach to solving problems.”
Look back over your timeline… are there other instances in which you found ways to make a bad situation work for you? Are there times when you’ve been so focused on winning that you figured out ingenious shortcuts that other people never thought of? Are you highly competitive? Do you have the “perfectionist” soul of an artist?
The point here is, it’s no surprise you found a way to take a potentially dangerous situation and reframe it in a way that serves your best interests. And that, my friend, throws you a long way from “crazy.”
Okay, so now that we’ve established that you’re not losing it, the next question becomes…
What are you going to do with these new erotically-charged desires?
Well my friend, therein lies the dilemma. The way I see it, you basically have two options:
Option #1. Let sleeping dogs lie.
It’s great that your wife’s affair “woke up” some sexually-charged emotions in you. But now, the temptation is to try to reach for those erotic heights again. We’ve all been here. Has it ever happened to you, that you’ve gone to a new restaurant and had an amazing dish? All week you thought about it, and you couldn’t wait to have it again, only to return at another time and be disappointed? Life can be like that. Sometimes, lightning only strikes once. An intense experience is only created one time, in a lifetime. This is part of what makes life unique — it’s the unexpected turn of events… the spontaneous reaction… that sublime feeling, never to be repeated again. The question is, can you let it go?
Option #2. Go deeper into it.
If Aladdin had turned back at the mouth of the cave, he never would have discovered the golden lamp hidden deep within. Sometimes, the desire to explore your desires is really a call to discover yourself. In these cases, that desire ought not to be ignored.
Regardless of which you choose…
…talk to your wife. Be honest. Be sure she knows where you stand.
Some final thoughts:
A big part of the allure of an affair is the “rebelliousness” and the forbidden nature of it. It’s human nature to want what you can’t have, and to be bored with what you do have.
It seems to me you’ve (inadvertently) figured out a way to “infidelity-proof” your marriage, by taking all the “fun” — “the forbidden” — out of it. Maybe YOU should start teaching the rest of us how to do this!
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!