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Married and Cheating?

Are you someone who’s married and cheating, or have you had an extramarital affair in the past?

What does having an affair say about YOU?

Here’s why I ask: all behavior has a cause. A poor relationship might leave the door open for infidelity, but the decision to walk through is a personal choice.

If you’re married and cheating, or you’ve had an extramarital affair sometime in the past, rather than beat yourself up, throw tantrums, blame circumstances or stage another pity party… I challenge you to search for your motives, and let this experience become a journey of self-discovery.

What’s happened has happened. Now it’s time to do some work, and look for answers within.


“The grass may look greener on the other side until you discover that it takes the same time and effort to grow.”

There may have been more to your decision to cheat than you realize.

The following five questions are designed to help you shift the focus OFF the behavior and ONTO its cause. Each question is aimed at helping you gain more insight into the thoughts, beliefs and decisions that led you to make the choices you made.

For example:

If you have a family history of infidelity, having an affair could have been a learned behavior. If so, you now have to resolve to unlearn those lessons.

Get out a notebook (or a blank sheet of paper) and write down your answers to each of the following questions. (If you’re feeling truly courageous, you might even want to share your insights with your partner.)

If you let them, these questions can become great discovery tools. They can really open the doors to intimacy and jump-start positive communication between you and your partner.

The 5 Questions Every Wayward Partner Needs to Ask

A good detective looks for an MO or motive. Have you ever seriously considered what prompted your decision to cheat? For many, cheating is fueled by much deeper conflicts and internal struggles than they realize.

Here are some reasons people give for deciding to cheat:

  • To regain the thrill
  • To prove they still have it and can get it
  • To one-up a partner for revenge or spite, or to even the score
  • To boost ego and validate sexual attractiveness
  • To make up for sexual rejection in the primary relationship
  • To pursue romance or adventure

In hindsight, many wayward spouses look back and realize that what they were truly seeking from the affair was distraction, relief or escape from problems at home.

To help you get clear about YOUR personal motives, ask yourself, “what fantasies, wants or needs do I have that are NOT being met in my primary relationship?”

Now, on a blank sheet of paper, make these three columns:

Fantasies  ||  Wants   ||   Needs

Then, under each column, list everything you can think of. (Give yourself at least 5-10 minutes to make a complete list.)