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How to Infidelity-Proof Your Marriage

Question

Dear Suzie, My husband and I are in the process of rebuilding our marriage. We’ve both had affairs, and I’m plagued with fear that this will happen to us again. Can you share with me some tips on how to affair-proof our marriage so that it never does?

This is a very good question. It’s one that every couple who plans on rebuilding their marriage after it’s been rocked by infidelity should consider. In fact, it’s my opinion that if a couple’s rebuilding and reconciliation process doesn’t also include strategies on how to infidelity-proof, they’re leaving themselves open for another encounter with disaster. So congratulations to you for taking the bull by the horns.

And when you think about it, it only makes sense… because being the victim of infidelity is a lot like being the victim of a home break-in. There’s a similar sense of violation, loss of innocence, feeling of unfairness, and anger at being taken advantage of. There’s also that uncomfortable and lingering loss of confidence and security.

However, the similarities don’t end there.

According to the National Burglar Alarm Association (NBAA), the majority of homes that are targeted by burglars have certain things in common. They usually fit a profile and have certain vulnerabilities and preconditions that make them attractive to potential thieves. 

And in a recent report, the NBAA stated that education, awareness, and a good alarm system were homeowners’ best defense against being victimized. Unfortunately, they also reported that most homeowners don’t pay much attention to these things until after they’d been burglarized.

I’ve noticed some similarities with infidelity as well.

For example, it’s my experience that many marriages rocked by infidelity fit a profile and have certain vulnerabilities and preexisting conditions that make them more susceptible to temptation. And just like the NBAA discovered, it’s only after tragedy strikes that partners take the time to learn what makes a marriage vulnerable. The good news is that, it’s never too late to learn.

So how do you go about infidelity-proofing a marriage?

I believe there are three key components: (1) educating yourself, (2) raising your awareness, and (3) making an unwavering commitment to passionate monogamy.

What follows next are my 10 key insights for infidelity-proofing a marriage…