Dear Suzie, I cheated on my fiancé on a girls’ night out. I didn’t mean to. It just sort of happened. The guy later contacted me on Facebook, and my boyfriend found out, and he is devastated. We were supposed to get married, and now, he’s called off the wedding. I know what I did was wrong, and I’m desperate to win him back. Can you help me?
I once heard a Food Network chef comment on the differences between professional chefs and amateur cooks. She said that one of the main differences is the fact that a professional chef always follows the recipe exactly as it is given, and therefore gets consistent results. The amateur, on the other hand, often tries to improve the recipe, and therefore gets poor or inconsistent results.
The same can be said of many other situations.
When people are given directions or asked to follow instructions, they often vary from the path and end up running into difficulties or getting a result they didn’t intend. The bad news is, there’s no exact recipe for wining back the heart of the man you’ve hurt. However, the good news is that there are some key things you can do that when mixed with your own sincerity and love, do offer you ways to help you reach your goal.
Notice I said… when mixed with your own sincerity and love.
This is because no matter how many steps, tips, hints, tricks, techniques, and tactics you use to win him back, if love and sincerity aren’t your prime motivators, all your efforts will eventually fall flat.
With that said, let’s begin.
Face His Fears
Being hurt makes people afraid of being hurt again. If you want to win him back, you have to be willing to face his fears. This means asking him what they are and talking to him about them. Don’t ignore them. Don’t try to edit them. Don’t brush them under the rug. Now is the time for courage.
It’s never comfortable to face someone else’s fears (especially when you triggered them), but with love in your heart, you can help him navigate through them.
Take It One Day at a Time
This is one of the most important concepts of all. Rather than think of what’s going to happen next week or next month, you have to be willing to let all that go and focus only on what’s happening between the two of you today. Don’t get caught up in what might happen, what has happened, or what you hope will happen.
Connection is made in the moment. Recovery happens day by day, so focus on what you can do to bring you both closer today. Then tomorrow, do that again. Keep reminding yourself reconciliation is built one day at time… and a moment at a time.
Focus on What (And Whom) You Can Control
No matter how much you love a person, no matter how sorry you are for your mistakes, you can only do so much, and no more.
You can’t control others. None of us can. The only thing you can control is yourself. Let that be your focus.
One of the most famous sayings about giving up control is on the back of the 12 Steps medallions. We’ve all heard it a thousand times, but here I would like to take a bit of creative license to see if we can learn something at least as important as in the original statement. Here it is: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change (others), the courage to change the people I can (me), and the wisdom to remember this difference when it counts.” Keep this in mind and from this point forward, rather than trying to control him, simply love him.
Remember What Works for Him
It’s funny how often women forget that they know what works for the men they love. You’ve won his heart before, so one of the ways you will win it again is by simply remembering what works. Think back to the beginning and ask yourself: what types of things did you do, think, and say to capture his attention?
What does he love to do? What’s important to him, physically, socially, spiritually, mentally and emotionally?
Open your eyes and your heart and see him… like it’s the first time again. But this time, you have so much information about him that you didn’t have before. (think about it) Use your imagination, knowledge, insights and remember what works for YOUR man. Do those things again. If it worked before, there’s a really great chance it will work again.
Remind Him Why
A classic mistake women make is in selling themselves short by failing to give themselves credit for the things they deserve credit for. Now is not the time to be passive about all the wonderful things about you that might be going unnoticed. Speak up. Remind him why you (and your relationship) are worth fighting for. Don’t be modest, but don’t boast. Take each and every opportunity to remind him why being with you is the best decision he could possibly make.
Listen to Learn
Listening is the biggest skill to lean on right now. When he talks, you listen. When he’s not talking, you ask questions and then listen. If he’s angry, you stay calm and listen. Seek to understand him, rather than for him to understand you. In the recovery process, listening is one of your biggest assets.
The mistake most people make is in thinking they have to talk their way out of trouble. When in fact, the opposite is true. Now is the time for you to listen and allow him to tell you what he needs… so you can win his heart back.
Mistakes Call for Correction, Not Punishment
If your boyfriend loves you, then the only thing blocking your reconciliation is his unwillingness to forgive you. One of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness is the belief that punishment (unforgiveness) will cause the other person to correct mistakes. This belief in punishment isn’t entirely accurate, however. So it helps when people realize that punishment isn’t necessary (or helpful) to correction.
If it feels like your boyfriend is struggling with the need to punish you (via unforgiveness), have him read my article The Healing Power of True Forgiveness. This will help him to understand more about forgiveness and how it will benefit him even more than you.
So, there you have it…
Some simple guidelines to help your reconciliation efforts.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!
P.S. For more specific techniques, language, tips, and ideas on how to win him back, enroll in my home study program for Wayward Partners which includes How to Win Him Back.
In this session, I will coach you on how to disarm many of the emotional hurdles you face (including his anger, spite, hurt and unwillingness to forgive) and give you more in-depth strategies to win him back the right way.