This is the third time I have ended my affair. I told myself I would not go back. But late at night, when I am alone… I find that I want to text him, call him, or just reach out to him. I can’t seem to remember why I ended the affair. Suzie, what should I do in these moments of weakness and temptation to go back?
Somebody once observed, “Our emotions cloud judgment like black ink clouds water.” And in your case, it certainly seems to be true. I believe having good reasons to end the affair helps during those times of weakness, doubt, and uncertainty.
Because for you, late nights and loneliness appear to act on your emotions like the moon’s gravity pulls on the tide — weakening your resolve and clouding your judgment. But take heart. You don’t have to be at the mercy of these emotional tugs – if you are willing to prepare for them.
When you have good reasons to end the affair, then you won't have to be afraid of your feelings... because you're prepared for them.
To prepare do the following exercise.
Step 1: Write down a list of the 100 best reasons to end the affair.
Step 2: Print out your list and make several copies. (Make as many as you think you might need.) You can also make a screenshot or image and save it to your smartphone and/or tablet.
Step 3: Whenever you feel that emotional gravity pulling you back towards the relationship… whip out one of your lists and read it slowly from top to bottom and out loud, if possible).
You are being asked to READ IT SLOWLY.
Don’t rush and don’t stop. In fact, once you start to read, you will want to commit to reading your list all the way from number one to one hundred and allow yourself to remember the validity of each of the reasons on your list.
Bonus! The more emotion you allow yourself to feel and express as you read your list, the more it will make the process that much more powerful and your results even more effective.
Why is doing this exercise so important?
One of the best ways to neutralize emotions is through validation. In the past, you experienced strong emotional urges to reach out to your affair partner. What happens is your inner voice also looks for arguments to support why that urge was okay. (This is called validation.)
Now we’re going to flip that same inner process to help you instead of hurt you.
Rather than listen to the validations of why the urge is okay, from now on, you will simply read your powerful list of validations of why it’s actually not okay. Commit to this process and you’re going to surprise yourself.
To get the ball rolling, here are 10 of the most common reasons listed by people who were in the same situation as you currently find yourself.
10 Good reasons to end the affair
1. Because the person who is willing to walk away first has the most power.
2. Because the pain of ending it is less than the pain of continuing to hurt myself and others.
3. Because I desire the whole cake and not just the crumbs.
4. Because self-esteem can only come from making good choices.
5. Because what goes around comes around…and I wouldn’t want someone else to do this to me.
6. Because letting go is a sign of maturity and wisdom…and clinging is a sign of weakness and insecurity.
7. Because my self-respect is more important than self-indulgence.
8. Because it’s better to live openly than to live as someone’s dirty secret.
9. Because leading a double-life is exhausting.
10. Because, wrong decisions…no matter how tempting…can never produce the right results.
Now it’s your turn.
As you add your own reasons, feel free to be as elaborate as much as you like. Be sure to include the lies, disappointments, and guilt associated with this experience. Be sure to count the things you’ve had to give up (self-respect, pride, morals, principles, and integrity). And don’t forget to tally up all the broken promises and dreams.
Print your list and keep it with you.
Now, whenever temptation knocks… You can answer the door with your list in hand.
Remember… you’re only vulnerable if you’re not prepared.
Now, when those late-night emotional “tugs” come calling, you won’t have to be scared…because you’ll be prepared. You’ll have these 100 powerful reasons to anchor you back into reality. They will help you recapture your power, strengthen your will, and increase your level of resolve.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!
P.S. Here are 3 more ways I can help you break free from the affair.