This is the third time I have ended my affair. I told myself I would not go back. But late at night, when I am alone, I find that I want to text him, call him or just reach out to him. I can’t seem to remember why I ended the affair. Suzie, what should I do in these moments of weakness and temptation to go back?
Somebody once observed, “our emotions cloud judgment like black ink clouds water.” And in your case, it certainly seems to be true. Because for you, late nights and loneliness appear to act on your emotions like the moon’s gravity pulls on the tide — weakening your resolve and clouding your judgment. But take heart. After today, you never have to be at the mercy of these emotional tugs… ever again.
Key Insight: Don’t ignore those emotional tugs; prepare for them.
Therefore, your special assignment is as follows:
Step 1: Write down a list of the 100 best reasons to end the affair.
In order to help get the ball rolling, I’ve made a list of ten good reasons. Your job is to add the other 90 on your own.
Step 2 : Print out your list and make several copies. (Make as many as you think you might need.) You can also make a screenshot or image and save it to your smart phone and/or tablet.
Keep a copy under your pillow, one next to your bed, another in your wallet, in the car (wherever else you think may help). And then whenever you feel that emotional gravity pulling you back towards the relationship… whip out one of your lists and read it from top to bottom (out loud, if possible).
Key Insight: READ IT SLOWLY.
Don’t rush and don’t stop. In fact, once you start to read, you will want to commit to reading your list all the way from number one to one hundred, and allow yourself to remember the validity of each of the reasons on your list.
Note: The more emotion you allow yourself to feel and express as you read your list, the more it will make the process that much more powerful and your results even more effective.
Why this is so important:
One of the best ways to neutralize emotions is with validation. In the past, you experienced strong emotional urges to reach out to your affair partner. What happens is your inner voice also looks for arguments to support why that urge was okay. (This is called validation.)
Now we’re going to flip that same inner process to help you instead of hurt you.
Rather than listen to the validations of why the urge is okay, from now on, you will simply read your powerful list of validations of why it’s actually not okay. Commit to this process and you’re going to surprise yourself.
Here’s your first ten reasons:
Now it’s your turn.
As you add your own reasons, feel free to be as elaborate as you like. Be sure to include the lies, disappointments, and guilt associated with this experience. Be sure to count the things you’ve had to give up (self-respect, pride, morals, principles, integrity). And don’t forget to tally up all the broken promises and dreams.
Print your list and keep it with you.
Now, whenever temptation knocks, you can answer the door with your list in hand.
Remember… you’re only vulnerable if you’re not prepared.
Now, when those late night emotional “thugs” come calling, you won’t have to be scared because you’ll be prepared. You’ll have these 100 powerful reasons to anchor you in reality. They will help you recapture your power, strengthen your will, and increase your level of resolve.
P.S. If you find you still want more help dealing with the part emotions are playing at ending your affair for good, you would probably find Dismantling Emotional Affairs helpful.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!