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Answers and Advice for Wayward Partners

NEW QUESTIONS ANSWERED WEEKLY

I am helplessly in love with a married man.

Question

I’m helplessly in love with a married man. He does all the things I like: he opens doors, buys me things and takes me places. He makes me feel like I’m the only thing in the world that matters to him. He’s told me how bad his marriage really is, that his wife doesn’t love him, and she just takes him for granted. I really believe he’s telling me the truth because I can see that he is starving for attention and a woman’s touch. The really bad part about all this is that I am a God-fearing woman. I have been going to church my whole life, and I hate the fact that I have become a mistress to a married man, and yet I simply can’t seem to stop my feelings for him. What should I do?

First of all, I want to say this:

I understand how painful this must be for you because no little girl ever dreams of growing up to become a third wheel in a relationship. And make no mistake, when you date a married man, you’re not just in a relationship with one person — you’re in a relationship with two. With all that said, let me share some insights that others have had to learn the hard way, but hopefully, after reading them here today, you won’t have to.

5 Key Insights

Key Insight #1: Rituals of seduction are not signs of love.

This one is tricky, especially for women who are emotionally-driven. From your email, you say he does all the things you like: opens doors, buys you things, and takes you places. All of that is part of what to know as the “rituals of seduction” — every guy knows what they are. And of course, it feels great! They are actions designed to stimulate those feelings of “specialness”, to “demonstrate” devotion, and (even I will admit) being the recipient of that type of attention is intoxicating.

But please be aware…

These rituals are designed for only one purpose: seduction. Does this mean he’s a player? A Romeo? Nope. It just means he’s a man with an agenda. And how do you convince a rational God-fearing woman to throw her morals and integrity out the window? That’s right… you can’t.

That’s why you have to seduce her.

First, you start out as “friends”. You make it easy for her to talk to you. Then, you slowly start becoming the “embodiment” of her secret romantic desires, and you find ways to make her feel special. Soon, she begins to let her guard down. Why? Because the man is acting exactly like women have been told prince charming is supposed to act. This is how many women get lured into the trap of affairs.

Notice the word “act” — because that’s exactly what it is. How do I know this? Simply because he can’t commit to two women, and he can’t lie and tell the truth at the same time.

Always keep in mind: rituals of seduction aren’t signs of love, they’re signs of seduction. The acts of seduction aren’t acts of love, they’re acts of persuasion. That’s it. Do not fall for the “attention” lure because it always fades.

Key Insight #2: 98% of all women who fall in love with married men get left behind.

Read that again: 98%! Now I know there’s a part of you that believes your relationship is different. He’s different. Your feelings are different. This I truly understand. Because if you didn’t feel as strongly, you wouldn’t even be writing me, and you wouldn’t feel so conflicted. In fact, it’s exactly because you feel so strongly about him that you’re in such turmoil.

And yet, let me remind you:

This is not about whether or not your feelings are intense (they are). It’s not about whether or not his feelings for you are intense (they probably are).

This is about how you make choices.

Ask yourself: how do you make choices, based on feelings, or on principles?

This is an important question to ask because feelings are always temporary. They all wax and wane. No feeling stays the same forever. And this is where the problem comes in. If you make decisions based purely on feelings, chances are you’re going to be making a lot of poor decisions.

And here’s another thing:

One of the key excuses married men use to have affairs is to escape the problems at home — a bitchy wife, a depressed wife, constant arguing, a sexless marriage, living in separate rooms, etc. Whatever the problem is, the point of the affair (or mistress) is to distract themselves.

Here’s the problem with that:

The second the affair comes to light, all those previous marital problems “evaporate”, and now the couple begins fighting about the affair. The wife forgets that she used to take him for granted — suddenly, he finds himself getting all the attention he never got from her before, and both of them forget all the problems they had before the affair… because now, the affair IS the problem.

This is bad news for the “other woman” because soon, it becomes “two against one”… as both begin to view YOU as the cause of ALL their problems.

I promise you, this is exactly what happens.

Take it from an insider: there are NO fairy tale endings. This is a dead-end road. No matter how strong the feelings are right now.

Insight #3: If he's lying to HER, he's lying to YOU.

This is something I find interesting. Why would you assume that a man who lies to his wife isn’t lying to you? Think about it. If he’s sneaking around, paying for stuff for you out of their money, lying or hiding the facts from his wife, then this man is a liar.

Let me break this to you gently…

Truth-tellers don’t have affairs. Why? Because the one thing affairs require is lying. He must make excuses. He must hide facts. He must be deceptive.

Here’s another thing:

Whether or not you want to admit it, you’ve got to consider the fact that you’re helping him sow those deceptive seeds. With your help (by turning a blind eye), you support his decision to deceive his wife and children (if he has any) — because a man who cheats on his wife also cheats on his children. And I know that’s not what you want.

Insight #4: Good men caught in bad marriages leave; they don’t have affairs.

When things get bad in a marriage, a truly good man fixes it or leaves. He takes care of his children, he still parents, he still provides — but he doesn’t stay in a marriage and have an “affair” in an effort to escape his problems.

All marriages have issues.

There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage because marriages are made up of people, and there are no perfect people. However, it requires courage to deal honestly with marital issues. Only a coward lies and hides and tries to escape via an affair. Think about that.

Next

You wrote that he’s told you how unhappy he really is at home. Well, that leads me to the final insight (and one I consider to be the most important thing you could take away).

Key Insight #5: You’re helping him tolerate the discomforts of his marriage.

Here’s the thing: rather than actually solving his marital issues, this man is using you to help him tolerate them.

Think of it this way: his marriage is like a headache, and YOU are like the aspirin. As long as he has you (or someone like you), he never has to cure the headache; he can simply medicate it. This is why men who cheat don’t leave their wives — their mistresses actually help them stay married! What an unfortunate paradox. He gets to have his cake and eat it too, while you only get the crumbs.

But here’s the real kicker…

Make no mistake about it. In the end, you’re using him, too. What’s your headache caused by? An intense craving for romantic attention. He’s providing the aspirin. The problem is this aspirin is laced with a lot of toxic chemicals.

Bottom line?

I believe that trading your principles for a few minutes of stolen pleasure is the same as trading the crumbs for the cake. And by picking the role of mistress over wife, you’re picking up the pennies and leaving the dollars.

I believe the question facing you now is this: What will allow you to reclaim your power (and your principles) in this situation?

Don’t just brush this question off. Sit with it for a few days. Give it your full attention. And when you’re ready, allow the answer to surprise you.

Was this helpful?

I sincerely hope so. I would love to believe that I could spare you further heartache. Because here’s the thing: you can either end it now, or wait and meet a more painful date with destiny. I have faith you will choose to END IT NOW.