The question is not IF you will heal and return to love … but when.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
It’s not the injustice, deceit, or disappointment of an affair that creates the majority of suffering. It’s the unwillingness to let go.
Put another way: It’s not the situation — it’s YOUR response to it that’s keeping you stuck.
Regardless of how much crying, begging, threatening, bargaining and bullying you do, the return to love, peace and harmony within your relationship can only come through ONE DOOR. Can you guess what that door is?
It’s the door of TRUE forgiveness.
THE ASTONISHING POWER OF TRUE FORGIVENESS
As you know, there are plenty of compelling reasons to choose NOT to allow yourself to “forgive and forget”. After all, who can justify the pain, the suffering, the guilt, the deception or the havoc unleashed by infidelity?
Surprisingly, well-meaning friends, family members and even the media may give you a long list of reasons why anger, spite, bitterness or revenge is the natural (and justified) response.
I want you to consider one very important fact: even though reacting to the pain of betrayal with anger, hatred and bitterness might feel like the right response at first, continuing to react that way is like trying to put out a fire by spraying it with gasoline.
Key Point: Vengeful emotions will never lead you to peace or happiness.
Vengeance can’t right a wrong. Bitterness won’t change the past. And unforgiveness can’t prevent a recurrence from happening in the future.
Does that make sense?
Why would anyone want to hold on to negative emotions — like vengeance and hate — when they know there’s no way in the world doing so could possibly help their situation?
Here’s what I believe:
I’m convinced … it’s because so many of us have an “upside-down” understanding about forgiveness. A lot of people believe that by holding on to the hurt, pain and bitterness, they gain power over the person and the situation. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. It actually makes them powerless.
What makes forgiving difficult for so many people?
Sometimes, letting go of the hurt and forgiving someone can seem like the hardest thing in the world. It’s like a horrible leap into the abyss. The pain is so raw. The shock is so extreme. And the aftermath is so traumatic.
Many of us will do almost anything to ensure we never have to go through it again. We tell ourselves … “If I don’t forgive, I won’t forget. And by not forgetting, I’ll be able to prevent it from happening to me again.“
Another misguided belief.
The fact is, whatever we hold on to, we experience OVER and OVER again.
4 COMMON MYTHS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
To forgive will let the guilty “off the hook” and allow their act of injustice to go unpunished.
TRUTH: There's a big distinction between a consequence and punishment.
Forgiveness wipes away the desire to punish from your heart. However, it doesn’t protect (or absolve) us from the consequences of our actions.
The saying goes, “As you sow, so shall you reap.“
This is the law of the universe in which you and I live.
In other words, the consequence of every action is returned to the doer. This is great news for us. It means we’re off the hook! We can put down our judge’s gavel. And know that the universe self-corrects without any help from us.
Forgiveness is a "doormat response". It sends a message of weakness and lets people know we're an “easy mark” they can take advantage of.
TRUTH: Forgiveness is a sign of intelligence, strength and maturity.
It’s easy to blame, shame, guilt, condemn and judge. None of those emotions require great intellect. Forgiveness, on the other hand, requires confidence (in yourself), trust (in divine justice), willingness (to let go), and enough self-esteem to choose your own happiness ABOVE all else.
Forgiveness is something you do for THE OTHER PERSON.
TRUTH: No one really benefits from forgiveness more than you do..
Forgiveness is the ultimate gift you can give yourself. Here’s why:
- It’s YOUR heart that winds up being freed from the pain that unforgiveness causes.
- It’s YOUR mind that is released from suffering. YOU are the one who sleeps better at night. YOU are the person who gets to wake up feeling happier in the morning. And YOU are the one who finds more meaning in your own life.
I can't forgive myself, so I shouldn't expect others to forgive me.
TRUTH: Self-forgiveness is the same as self-love.
We all make mistakes. No one is immune. That’s why forgiveness is a preexisting condition of life. However, it’s your responsibility to accept forgiveness for yourself. If you can’t forgive yourself first, you won’t be able to forgive another. That’s why the first act of loving yourself is to forgive yourself.
Here’s another common place people get stuck when trying to forgive infidelity:
“I want to forgive. I try to forgive. I know I need to forgive. But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to do it. Every time I think about it, the pain, the hurt, the anger and the sense of injustice take over my heart. What can I do to get past this?”
Great question! (We ALL have to deal with this at some time.)
Maybe you’ve even experienced something like this yourself:
Some days you think you’re doing fine. Some days you feel sure you have forgiven your partner. You think you have finally gotten past all the pain. And then all of a sudden…
…WHAM!!!! Something triggers you (maybe a thought, a song on the radio, the phone ringing). It could be anything. In the blink of an eye, you’re right back where you started. Stuck in the muck. And those painful feelings come tumbling down like a house built on sand.
How do you deal with this?
The Inner Wall of Resistance
I want to forgive. I just can’t.
If this has been your experience lately, rather than letting yourself feel unhappy, I want you to feel hopeful. Here’s why: The Inner Wall of Resistance is probably going to be your LAST barrier before love returns to your heart.
Here’s why this is:
That inner wall of resistance we sometimes experience is really just an ego defense. It’s propped up by fear and false information.
What it tells us (in a very subtle way) is to be “proud” of our anger.
The ego is the voice of pettiness and unhappiness. It convinces us to put off peace, to deny forgiveness and to reschedule our own happiness. It says, why be happy now, when there’s so much you can be unhappy about? It’s that little immature voice in all of us that whispers “We get to feel special because we’re the victim.“
Even in fantasy, the ego pushes images of revenge. It tries to convince us our power comes from punishing others. Can you see how completely irrational this type of thinking is?
It’s wise to remember:
Every Thought is a Boomerang.
It never leaves the mind of the thinker.
- Whenever you think hate – you feel it.
- Whenever you think fear – you feel it.
- Whenever you practice unforgiveness – you experience it.
So why not choose happiness NOW? Why put it off? Isn’t it what you want, anyway? And if you knew for sure that true forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to the magic kingdom … wouldn’t you use it? Of course you would!
It only takes an instance of true forgiveness … to end a lifetime of pain.
And in case you’re wondering why I’m using the phrase “true forgiveness” instead of just forgiveness, here’s the reason:
There’s a difference between “true forgiveness” and “fake forgiveness”. One has the power to set you free. The other gives you the “illusion” of being free.
4 COMMON MYTHS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
What is false forgiveness?
False forgiveness happens whenever a person comes from the position of, “I’m better than you.” This is nothing but a temporary pardon granted to someone who has demonstrated the proper amount of remorse and supplication. As you can imagine, this isn’t genuine forgiveness. True forgiveness can never be bought, sold or bargained for. It comes from an open, willing heart.
So, what then is true forgiveness?
True forgiveness is “inspired” by love.
It comes from the understanding that infidelity (along with any other injustice) is always a call for love.
This means it calls for correction — not punishment. When people lie, cheat, steal, betray and “hurt each other”, it’s always a misguided attempt to “get something” from the wrong source. This calls for compassion — NOT rejection.
Here’s another commonly asked question:
“How can I possibly forgive him (or her) after they were so deceitful, cruel and insensitive?”
Love is an act of endless forgiveness. You might think that by NOT forgiving, you send a message to your partner that will make them feel so guilty, they would never do it again.
This is simply not true.
The reality is that guilt NEVER leads to correction. It only leads to resentment. On the other hand, you might worry that if you forgive too quickly, it sends a message of, “Hey! I’m a sidewalk you can walk all over, anytime you want.”
Again, this isn’t true.
As I’ve said before, forgiving doesn’t absolve responsibility. For example: You can forgive a criminal for a crime, but that doesn’t mean you don’t allow him or her to serve their time. Forgiveness frees you from bitterness. And more importantly, it turns on the light inside your heart, instantly dispelling pain, hurt and darkness.
At the end of the day, the decision to forgive IS the decision to heal and overcome infidelity. The decision NOT to forgive IS the decision to continue to suffer. Both decisions are yours to make.
Are you ready to turn things around?
Then forgiveness is your most powerful tool. It’s the master key that unlocks the doors to peace and personal power. The good news is … you don’t have to wait, delay or deny yourself any longer.
Are you ready to take the next step?
This step means actually forgiving. This is where you put down the cross, unhook the chains, and set both the jailed (and the jailer) free. If you’re ready to take this step, then I encourage you to talk with me. Since I’ve already helped many other people in situations very similar to yours, I’m sure I can help you.
Can a phone call really make a difference? Yes!
It only takes an instant to change your life. And as you sit there reading and thinking of all kinds of possibilities, you can make a new decision — to accept my help. Schedule your appointment and I promise to gently take you by the hand and share with you some amazing insights so you get the results you want. Why do it alone? Let’s do this together. Sounds good?
I look forward to speaking with you personally and getting started with helping you.
P. S. If you would like to hear firsthand about someone who achieved forgiveness in a very trying experience click here to read Janee’s amazing story.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!