3 Steps to Help You Get Out of an Emotional Involvement
STEP #1: “Trying” to get yourself out of the fog is the first step to actually getting out.
If you find you can’t talk to your partner (a major red flag in itself, by the way), then your next best option is to talk to a professional like myself, a “safe” friend, or maybe even your priest or minister.
STEP #2: Sever all contact.
Chances are, the other person has some strong emotional leverage over you. For whatever reason (reasons aren’t important), you’ve been directing a lot of your emotional energy towards them. Chances are, they’ve been doing the same towards you. Sexual energy directed towards anyone can be very addictive. It would be a big mistake for someone to think “it’s easy to ignore” OR “I can control it”. That’s why you MUST SEVER ALL CONTACT.
And if that’s not possible (for example, if it’s someone you work with or need to interact with on a daily basis), then do not allow yourself to indulge in the compulsion to “think” or “fantasize” or “wish” or “yearn” for them in any way.
STEP #3: You MUST be careful and be patient with yourself.
This is a process of unraveling an emotional entanglement. It’s like backing out of a dark cave filled with sleeping lions. You must reverse your steps slowly, carefully, and deliberately. Doing this correctly requires you be to be patient, persistent and gentle.
What to Do If You Suspect Your Partner is Having an Emotional Affair
Maybe you’ve already seen the signs, and rather than simply standing by, watching the person you love self-destruct, you’ve decided to do something. Good for you!
Here’s my advice:
Don’t assume anything physical has been consummated.
This is a fatal error made by many betrayed partners. By jumping to this conclusion, too many people wind up signing their own relationship “death warrant”.
Once a partner feels “damned” for something he or she hasn’t actually done, it tends to leave the door open for them to actually go through with it.
They figure, “What the hell, I’m already getting blamed for this. I might as well do it.”
You would be surprised how much of a role the accuser plays in all this. Overreacting or “finger pointing” is a big mistake betrayed partners often make. They allow themselves to become so “negative” or “fear-ridden”, they wind up pushing their spouse further down the slippery slope of becoming more involved in an emotional affair.
Here are 5 things you can do to STOP a partner’s emotional affair:
1. Speak up about it.
Passive partners get left behind. Being passive about any kind of infidelity is the quickest way to find yourself standing in the aftermath of “what used to be”. It’s NOT fair. But, as we all know, life never promised to be fair.
You have to be willing to confront without accusing. Be assertive without being aggressive. Talk to your partner about the warning signs that have come to your attention. Point them to this page, if you need to, but don’t accuse them of being anything but the “best” they can be. (90% of wayward partners are doing their best to keep from drowning in the ocean of their own emotions.)
2. Set your boundaries and state your “deal breakers”.
Make it very clear to your partner that you’re not sure the marriage would survive an affair. Make sure they understand they’re playing with fire. Make sure they know how devastated you would feel if they left you and/or had an affair.
3. Remind them of the good times.
The one thing the emotional fog blocks is the good times you’ve shared with your partner or spouse. It’s a good idea to remind them with pictures, words, stories and anecdotes. Bring out the scrapbook and family videos, if you have to. Tell them how much they mean to you. Be specific. Remind them of all the good times you’ve had together, and keep the focus on this. The reality is: A wayward partner is more likely to come out of the fog for the “good memories” than for anything else.
4. Never supplicate.
Don’t beg, don’t plead, and don’t “yield” for the sake of staying together. As seductive as this tactic may seem … it NEVER works. Why? Because it displays low social value and low self-esteem. Neither of these are attractive traits to anyone. Compared to the confidence and “mystery” of the other person, you may look desperate and unattractive.
5. Stage your own “re-seduction” campaign.
It’s the most effective tool against infidelity. And yet, it’s the one skill most partners never learn. Many believe that seduction and romance end at the altar. That’s just not the case. BOTH men and women crave attention, affection and appreciation. They BOTH want to feel special, understood, valued and sexually attractive. When those needs are unfulfilled, it leaves a void … just waiting to be filled.
A “re-seduction” is entirely different from a new seduction.
It’s easy to “woo” and seduce a partner who doesn’t know you. But what about one who knows all your moves, your jokes, your tactics and techniques? Not so easy, right?
Re-seduction takes advanced skills.
It requires being able to make the familiar new again. You have to be able to reestablish the connection, reignite chemistry, and re-stimulate passion. If all that sounds impossible to you, there’s good news.
You already know how to do it.
You have the triggers, patterns and attracting tendencies they like (that’s why they fell in love with you in the first place). The secret is to be able to call upon those same tendencies (mixed with some new ones) to reawaken interest and redirect their attention back to you.
Here’s another secret …
The partner in the primary relationship has the home court advantage. Many just don’t know how to put it to proper use.
Stake your claim!
Don’t let a little competition scare you away.
Even though the newness of being with another person may seem exciting in the moment (especially because of all the “stage lighting” brought on by fantasies and emotions), newness can’t replace a solid foundation. Take a moment to compare the time you’ve already spent building that solid foundation with each other. A genuine comparison seldom measures up. Don’t allow your “pride” or fear to stop you from stepping up and protecting what you have … before it’s too late.
NOW is the time to pull out all the stops and start YOUR re-seduction campaign. Rather than resorting to blame and accusations, ask yourself where you may have left the door open to allow this to happen. Be honest with yourself.
The bottom line?
An emotional affair can hurt just as much as a physical affair does (sometimes, even worse). However, emotional affairs don’t call for judgment or punishment. They call for compassion and understanding.
If you or your loved one feels pulled into the gravitational force of an emotional affair … it’s time to take back control.
If you’re dealing with suspected or confirmed emotional infidelity, then I encourage you to do something that will make a difference. For more help, read my article Secret World of Emotional Affairs. Because a big mistake people often make is to treat emotional affairs the same as they would a physical affair. Don’t make that mistake.
Until we speak again...
Remember... Love Wins!