Understanding the 3 Stages of Infidelity

How do you survive an affair?

That’s the question this article answers. According to statistics… only one third of marriages survive extra marital affairs. (The numbers are better for those who seek professional help.) So, if you really want to know how you survive an affair...first we must look at...

What causes infidelity in the first place?

I have said this before. Infidelity is never the “cause”, it’s always the effect. Focusing on the “infidelity” while ignoring the "cause" (underlying conflicts & issues) is like rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic – rather than watching out for ice-bergs. It’s simply the wrong focus.

Why does infidelity (or cheating) hurt so much?

Because, when a person’s emotional security gets ripped away from them, what’s left is a raw, agonizing, vulnerability that’s impossible to put into words. That's why the “affair” speaks louder… and cuts deeper… than any other kind of betrayal or dishonesty.

Here’s the big insight:

Without a commitment to monogamy – there can be no “infidelity”. Without a promise to be satisfied with one, there can be no betrayal with “another”. So in reality, it’s the mental & emotional security of a monogamous relationship (that sense of special-ness and exclusivity) that infidelity shatters and undermines.

Is there a cure or prevention for infidelity?

I believe there is. And I will share it with you before this article is over. But for now, let’s get back to the reason YOU are most likely here…Surviving, Forgiving and Overcoming Infidelity.

I believe the best way to handle infidelity is the same way you would handle any other difficulty in life. You face it, deal with it and then put it behind you. (Easier said than done.)

So I am here to help you through this process…

Below, you will see how infidelity can be broken down into 3 Key Stages.
This article will help you to better understand (and deal with) whichever stage you are now in. As you read each stage, pay close attention to the different Do's, Don't and my recommendations for handeling each stage correctly.

Regardless of which stage you find yourself in today, I suggest you take the time to read and educate yourself about all the stages. With that said, lets now look at each stage:

STAGE ONE: Suspected Infidelity

If you suspect your partner is having an affair or being unfaithful…

Then you need to move with both speed and accuracy.

According to the latest statistics on infidelity, the odds are not in your favor. In fact, recent studies tell us that 85% of women who feel their lover is cheating are correct. And approximately 50% of men who feel their lovers might be cheating are also right.

However, intuition - by itself - is NOT ENOUGH.

Things to be aware of in this stage:

Most people’s instinctive response is to fight fire with fire.  Once they become supicious... they start accusing, threatening, manipulating, spying, or trying to bully their partners into admitting they had (or are having) an affair. These tactics almost never work. In fact, over 90% of the time, they actually backfire.  

Beware! Assumptions can be dangerous.

But why would someone who loves you – deceive you?

Here’s the reality: Deception can be a highly addictive game. And like any other game, it has rules.

The rules of deception!

The rules of deception are simple: Lie, deny, delay and then... lie some more.

Many wayward partners know if they stick to the rules of deception, the only way to “lose” this game is to be caught red-handed. And even then… they will continue to implement these rules. For example, if they are caught in a kiss – they will only admit to that one kiss. OR If a flirtatious email gets intercepted – they will insist it was the only one.

So what do you do - when no matter WHAT you do – you can expect to be deceived? Most people believe the answer is to spy, snoop, stalk and find more clever ways to expose the other persons deceptions.

Now who’s gaming who?

But wait!

There’s a better way. And it starts by creating a space for safety and honesty, which then...naturally leads to the truth.

Here’s what I mean: Creating a space for honesty is more than mere words.

Honesty is a two way street.  If you want your partner to be honest with you, then you have to be the kind of person they feel safe to being honest with.  It takes more than saying… “It’s safe to tell me the truth”.  It takes more than promising not to get hurt, not to get angry or not to leave.  Most wayward partners recognize this is usually a trap. Many people “say” they want the truth. (but only as long as it’s what they want to hear) In other words, when the “truth” isn’t pleasant, they just can’t take it.

What inspires honesty?

It comes back to one simple fact. As human beings we all have one element other animals don’t. It’s called a conscience.  No matter how much a wayward partner might TRY to turn it off, compartmentalize it, rationalize it, downsize it, or pretend it doesn’t exist – their own sense of "right and wrong" works just like the GPS System in your car. No matter how many wrong turns they take... that voice keeps on suggesting the right thing to do.

So what happens when you ignore your conscience?

ANSWER: You get STRESS!

It takes a tremendous amount of stress and energy to lead a double life. The thrill of “getting away with it” is always tarnished by the guilt, shame and stress caused by going against our own integrity.

I've noticed about 90% of the time, the wayward partner wants to confess.  But they are too afraid to do so. (and usually with good reason).

If you think about it, by continuing to lie, they keep their life in tact.  But, if they tell the truth, they run the risk of losing everything that’s important to them. Now you tell me. Where’s the real incentive in telling the truth?

Here’s the bottom-line:

To have any chance of a satisfying relationship…trust is a must.  So given the choice - wouldn’t you prefer to hear the truth (good, bad or ugly) from your own partner’s lips?

Here’s the reality.

Partners who are able to create honesty (even in the midst of infidelity) have a better chance of recovery.  In other words, the relationships in which partners voluntarily confess... have a much better chance of surviving... than those in which partners are “caught red-handed”.

If you are dealing with Suspicion of Infidelity, then you have a very important decision to make. Ask yourself. Are you going to ignore your suspicious thoughts and feelings?

OR 

Are you going to do something constructive about them?

My advice? Don’t ignore them AND don’t jump to conclusions either. Suspicious thoughts can be vicious. Like weeds in a beautiful garden, when left unattended, they take over and take on a life of their own.

Are you open to learning a better way of dealing with your suspicions?

If so, then I can teach you several highly effective ways that many of my previous clients have used to inspire honesty and create a healthy atmosphere for voluntary confessions.

Will they work for you?

I believe they will. But, there’s only one way to know for sure. First you will need to learn them and then test them for yourself.

Why is talking to a professional like me (at a time like this) such a good idea?

Here are four solid reasons:

(1) Because the anxiety of “not knowing” won't go away until you know for sure.

(2) Because there's a difference between intuition and facts.

(3) Because what you do (or don't do) next will make a huge difference in how all this turns out.

(4) Because I have helped so many people (in in this kind of situation) resolve their doubts and suspicions successfully, it only makes sense to leverage my years of experience for your own benefit.

Remember – what you do now is as important as what you don’t do.

And just in case you feel uneasy about talking to a stranger...don’t be. Everybody feels a bit uncomfortable the first time they do something new. But rest assured, that feeling will disappear as soon as we connect on the phone. Simply Click Here to Schedule Your Private Phone Session with Me and I’ll take it from there.

OR

If you prefer, here are two of my "pre-recorded coaching sessions" I recommend you download listen to.

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

  Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

STAGE TWO: Confirmed Infidelity

DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For the Betrayed Partner)

If you’ve recently discovered your partner’s affair, then nothing could have prepared you for the devastation that betrayal provokes.  I can only imagine...that from the moment you found out, you’ve been walking around somewhat dazed and confused. Sort of like a dreamer trapped in a nightmare, desperately struggling to wake up — but can’t.

As reality sets in...so does grief and anger... mixed up with a sense of disbelief.

Things to be aware of in this stage:

Obsessing over details is normal. (But not healthy) Feeling like you are on an emotional roller coaster is common. (Sometimes leading to physical symptoms like nausea, anxiety and sleeplessness.)

Dangerous Emotions to watch out for:

Chronic fatigue, sinking feelings of despair, helplessness, hopelessness, or powerless.  These can indicate the need for possible medical help. *CAUTION: If this describes you, STOP reading now and seek medical attention.

So let's talk about what can help you. (Here are some ideas)

Look for healthy ways to switch your focus. Like, exercising, making sure you get enough sleep, taking private walks in nature, having fun with kids, keeping yourself busy with projects, hobbies or crafts, reading positive message books...

And the most important thing you can do right now...is to talk about how you feel.

Talk to people you can trust. Call on your best friends (who you know will be supportive, non-judgmental and not betray secrets).

What else do you need right now?

You need support. You need positive motivation. You need to be able to process. You need someone who will listen (without interruption). You need good practical advice. You need patience, compassion and understanding.

But what happens when... the betrayal, deception and dishonesty feels too heavy to burden others? OR... what do you do if you don't have that best friend to turn to that you know will both... be able to understand and give you the advice you need? OR... what if you are a fiercely private and independent person who prefers to handle things on your own, but now you find this is too much for you...what can you do?

That’s where I can help you.

Imagine this for a moment. You have a splitting headache. The headache medicine is in the bathroom. All you have to do is go get it. Wouldn’t you do it?  Of course you would.  It would seem rather silly to allow yourself to sit there and suffer endlessly when help is right in front of you.

You don’t have to face this alone.

Sadly, unlike a headache — with infidelity — there’s no “magic pill”. However, there are ways to lessen the hurt. There are ways to help manage the emotional roller coaster. And there are steps you can take to jumpstart your healing process.

Wisdom tells us “what doesn’t kill us - makes us stronger”.  When it comes to infidelity, I find this to be especially true.

Are you willing to talk about it?

Sometimes — it only takes one idea — one good suggestion — to make the difference between spiraling down into depression and improving our self-esteem. The good news is…I have many good ideas to share with you (and they work).

So, if you’re hurting or having a hard time dealing with the discovery of your partner’s infidelity — then I encourage you to click here and schedule your private phone session with me.  Everyday, I help betrayed partners like you to get past the hurt, make better decisions and get back to feeling normal again. Today can be the turning point for you. All you have to do is reach out and let me help you.

P.S. In the meantime, here are some of my pre-recorded coaching products that other betrayed partners found helpful. You can download them and listen to them right away.

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

  Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For The Wayward Partner)

If your partner recently discovered your affair…

...you are not alone. Did you know by the end of the day, an estimated 119,000 cheating partners will be exposed.  Only a few will confess. The majority will get caught red handed.  In this age of technology, it still amazes me just how many husbands and wives continue to underestimate the resourcefulness of their partners. 

Here are a couple of things we agree on.

I agree you are not a bad person. (even though some might seem to treat you that way) I agree you have every right to pursue happiness as you desire it. And I also agree attention, affection and appreciation are three things no person should live without.   Yet I am sure you would agree with me when I say… there’s got to be a better way to get everything you want (and rightfully deserve) without having to lie, cheat, or hurt other people in the process.

Here’s the reality…

Just like being broke is NO EXCUSE for stealing. Being in a poor relationship or having a boring sex-life is no reason to cheat. Also, you can't make up for a bad childhood in your adulthood. When it comes down to it…infidelity is only 10% about the relationship and 90 % about the person IN the relationship.

Two things to be aware of in this stage:

(1) The tendency to feel sorry yourself.

(2) The tendency to make excuses that help rationalize the affair.

Neither helps. As a matter of fact, these are like pouring gasoline on a fire. All it does is make a bad situation worse.

One more thing.

You are going to have to be prepared to deal with the roller coaster of your partner’s reaction: It is going to range somewhere between helplessness to rage.  From blame to punishment.  From shame to desire for revenge. These are all reflex responses.  They are normal and natural. You must be prepared to handle any and all of them.

What’s the best thing to do now?

1. Accept responsibility (without defensiveness) and stay there. Answer all of your partner’s questions without lying, being defensive, or shifting blame.

2. Don’t run away. Once the affair is exposed, it’s common for unfaithful partners to become passive or get hyper-defensive. Don’t fall into this trap. It only prolongs your suffering and creates more damage AFTER the affair than the affair itself.

4. Get honest with yourself. Look for the “why” behind to choice to cheat. Lots of people have problems, but they don't use an affair to fix them. Why did you?

3. Ride the storm out. This is the time to stand in the storm you created. At this point, cowards bail and hero’s take a stand. You need a significant amount of mental toughness, emotional compassion and self-esteem to ride it out.

You might be asking yourself, when does it end?

This is one of the most common questions I get from wayward partners. Sometimes it seems that the pain and hurt the affair causes will never end. This is usually because most wayward partners are not prepared to deal with the emotional aftermath their infidelity unleashes. Like opening Pandora’s Box… many don’t have a clue how to close it back.

Take heart.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may interest you to learn that about 40% of the people I coach are those who are dealing with the consequences of their affair.
If you have to stand in the storm… isn’t it better to do it with an umbrella? What you do, what you say, and how you act in the next few days and weeks — matters more than anything else. One false move, one wrong word, is all it takes to take your situation from bad to worse. It's going to be very important for you to know when to talk, when to listen, and when to walk away.

I can help you do that and more. Click Here to Schedule Your Private Phone Session with Me. I feel very confident that my professional help can make a difference in your life.

One last thing…

Whether you had an impulsive one night stand (ONS) or a long-term affair (LTA) or an emotional affair (EA) how you respond is vital.  What’s best for other people, is not nearly as important right now as what is best for YOU. One important question facing you right now, is whether you are going to go it alone or accept the help that is here for you.

I invite you to let me show you how to best navigate through these tough times. I'll show you how to stand in the storm you created (without being swept away) and teach you the skills you will need to handle the emotional roller coaster (without losing your peace of mind).

DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For the Wayward Partner)
who’s affair is still ongoing

If your affair is still ongoing…

Here are some things you need to be aware of. Over 80% of cheating partners do get caught. You heard right. Infidelity is the third leading cause of divorce in North America.

And this is new.

According to The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, one-third of all divorce litigations are caused by affairs which started over the Internet.

My advice?

Get real with yourself. All deception is really self deception. So ask yourself… what desires, wants, needs or cravings is this experience satisfying for you? Once you can answer that – move on to this question: Is there a way to get those desires, wants, needs and cravings satisfied without hurting anyone?

(Here is a *hint*). The answer…is YES.

I know you don’t believe that right now.  If you did, you wouldn’t have had to hide, sneak around or cheat? But trust me when I tell you… it’s absolutely true.

So what stops a wayward spouse from asking for help?

Two words: Fear & embarrassment. (Both of these are “non-issues” when you call us).
Here’s what I mean:

• Your conversations are private and confidential. (no details shared with anyone without your permission)
• All communications are discrete. (even our credit card statements, Pay Pal invoices and emails reflect nothing associated with the subject of infidelity). Privacy is your right and no one needs to know you are getting professional advice.
• You can remain anonymous. Use our Live Chat or Click-to-Call service so all of your communications will be routed through the internet without revealing your number or leaving a trace.
• We are accessible from anywhere.  Chat from your laptop or call us from the grocery store parking lot. How and where you contact us is totally up to you.

And just in case you were wondering what to expect…let me say.

It’s not my function to offer judgment, criticism or moral pep talks.

After years of working in this field, I don’t believe there’s much more that could surprise me. So don’t feel uncomfortable.  In fact, I want you to expect to feel at ease and discover many healthy solutions for you and your partner to heal and be happy.

What’s next?  How will all of this play out?

That depends…

At the end of the day – all I can do is issue the invitation. The decision to accept is totally up to you.

Remember this.

There’s a way to get exactly what you want. It’s different from what you’ve been doing up until now.  And yet it works! Isn’t it time you found out what it is? Click here to schedule a private call with me.

P.S. I've already helped people deal with this before. Here are some of the pre-recorded coaching sessions I created to give you a jump start on your healing. You can download them in just a few minutes to get my immediate help.

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

  Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For The Other Man or Woman)

In my opinion, you are in the most unfortunate position. Like a lost ship caught between the high tide and the jagged rocks along the coast, this relationship can’t move forward or backwards.

When people find out you are involved with a married person, they are seldom sympathetic.  Even friends, parents and co-workers rarely understand and are usually quick to judge.  When you think about, you can’t really blame them too much can you? You already know, the prognosis for this kind of relationship isn’t very good.

Let me share some recent statistics with you.

Only 3 percent of wayward spouses eventually marry their lovers. And for the tiny percentage that do…the divorce rate is around 75 percent. (not very encouraging news is it?)

Infidelity is not the answer. Infidelity is the question. (No, is the answer)

Ask yourself. If you went to an eye surgeon (to get Lasik) and someone showed you proof that this doctor's failure rate is 97%.  Would you feel comfortable enough to stay? Of course not.  So why trust your heart to someone who was has a 97% chance of breaking it?

I want you to know, there’s a better way.

"It's never too late to become the person you were meant to be."

Remember.  There is one form of currency neither you nor I can create more of in this life. And that is TIME.  I urge you.  Get help now.  Don’t waste another precious moment of your life in a relationship that has very little chance of going anywhere.

Will you accept my help?

Let me encourage you to take full advantage of my years of professional experience in this area. Click here to schedule your private phone session with me.  I really can help you take control of your life and find your way back to a more healthy self-esteem and emotional well-being. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a thousand moments of anxiety, frustration, heartache and difficulties — it only takes a single moment to make a breakthrough.  Today can be that day for you.  

P.S. Here are two pre-recorded coaching sessions to help you exit gracefull and say goodbye. I'm sure you will find them both to be very helpful.

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

  Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

STAGE THREE: Healing and Recovery

Did you know that human beings are NOT monogamous by nature? That's right. We are monogamous by choice. That means our natural sex instinct is NOT to be faithful.  When it comes to sex, birds do it, bees do it, but only humans have this amazing capacity to create sexual intimacy.

That’s where monogamy comes in.

When successful, monogamy gives us ideal conditions for creating (and experiencing) the deepest levels of emotional intimacy and bonding we are capable of. However, like everything else in life, monogamy does have its challenges.  The biggest one being how it requires us to live by principle rather than by instinct.

And since being monogamous isn’t automatic, it requires willingness and effort.  When people are in denial about the realities of monogamy, it can leave the door open to temptation and future heartache.

Now here’s another interesting question for you to consider.

Before today, has anyone ever taken the time to fully explain to you what it takes to create and sustain a loving relationship?  Were you ever given the tools, skills and ideas to design a relationship in ways that fulfils the wants and desires of both you AND your partner... thereby ensuring personal satisfaction and enduring fulfillment?

If not, then today can be a real turning point for you.  Do you remember the promise I made to you at the beginning of this article? I promised to share with you what I feel is the best anti-dote and the #1 remedy for infidelity… and here it is:  It’s called passionate monogamy.

I believe every adversity brings with it the seeds of an equal or greater benefit.

I know you probably are wishing this unfortunate experience never happened.  But what if... you could find a way... to turn the lemons life has handed you... into lemonade?

Today, I invite you to do more than just merely survive infidelity. I want you to thrive!  I want you to do more than recover.  I want you to heal (and grow) as a result of this experience.  I want you to be able to look back and say..., “This was the best thing that ever happened to me”.

In order to help you do that, I have created a 6 Week Infidelity Recovery Program that you can participate in over the phone, via email and over the internet.

Here are a few areas we cover with you:

Total Forgiveness Process.  The first step towards recovery. 

Trust Building Exercises:  Love without trust is impossible. Couples are given fun and playful exercises that teach them how to use forgiveness, amendments, agreements & other trust-building techniques to create honesty, and openness.

Communication Skills: Everybody knows how to talk.  But few know how to truly communicate what they feel on the deepest levels. I teach couples how to have REAL discussions (not arguments). The kind of communication that allows them to know how to ask for (and get) what they want... without deception, or manipulation.  I show couples how to connect and increase their levels of intimacy with each other.  I teach them how to make it safe to tell the truth without fear of judgment, rejection or abandonment.

Design a Marriage-Wellness Plan: Learn how to come up with “win-win” solutions for the big three conflict-areas of marriage, Time, Sex & Money!
 
Passionate Monogamy:  This is the secret sauce that keeps marriages sweet year after year. This process integrates a creative mixture of love, sex and romance.  It all results in passionate monogamy!  Couples learn how to add passion to their life AND marriages, re-ignite sexual desire, improve satisfaction, defeat boredom, and leave room for surprises and spontaneous fulfillment within their primary love relationships.

Isn’t that something worth striving for?

Regardless of whether you stay in your current relationship or decide to move on. Knowing these secrets for sustaining relationship happiness is going to be vitally important to your...for the rest of your life. 

You don’t want to attract the same experiences again. The only way to make sure you don’t — is to learn from your mistakes. Click here to schedule your private phone session with me.   Be sure and ask me about my 6 week infidelity recovery process.  I will fill you in on the details and tell you whether or not if I feel this program is right for you.

P.S. Here are some of my pre-recorded audio coaching sessions I recommend you listen to if you are dealing with Stage Three - Healing and Recovery.

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

   Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

Here are some final thoughts.

Just like you can’t learn to dance from reading a book… simply reading about infidelity, won’t make it go away. The only thing that WILL help… is your decision to do something about it. Don’t allow fear or embarrassment to stop you from doing what's best for yourself.

In my many years as a working life coach, I’ve realized the people who need the most help are usually the ones who are the most reluctant to ask for it.  Much like, how a wounded animal is mistrustful of the care of a stranger, many people who have been hurt by infidelity usually find it much more difficult to trust.

and yet...

There ARE true helpers in this world, who like angels, rush in to help those who are in need. If you are dealing with infidelity on any level, I am here to help you.

Until we speak again,

Remember… Love Wins!

Do you have questions, comments or concerns about this stage? I want to hear from you.

  Click for LIVE TALK         Click for LIVE CHAT

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