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GoAskSuzie.com

america's leading expert on overcoming infidelity

WELCOME TO MY BLOG

Q&A About love, trust & overcoming infidelity

- Suzie Johnson, Cpc -

Affair Recovery Expert
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Welcome!

This blog is a non-judgmental and Love based conversation about how to deal with the after effects of infidelity using only positive strategies. Feel free to ask your questions. I answer the most interesting and helpful questions and post my answers weekly. – Suzie

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Will I Ever Get Him Out of My Mind Completely?

Answered by
Suzie Johnson

Question

Will I ever get him out of my mind completely? I don’t think I can live without him. I know I shouldn’t say it, but it’s true. It’s like there was a magnetic connection between us. Every time we walk by each other, it’s like we have this powerful energy. I have never felt this way before about anyone. And I don’t think I ever will again. Even though I know the feelings I have for him are wrong, I would rather have it like this than not have him at all. What should I do?

Right off the bat, I noticed a major red flag in your question. I’ll address it in a few minutes. Before I do, however, let me share with you something a friend of mine who deals with addicts and recovery told me about why more addicts (whether it’s gambling, drugs, food or alcohol) don’t seek treatment sooner. He told me it’s not that people who are addicts don’t want to get out from under the grips of their addiction — many truly do — but the real culprit is that they fear the discomfort of the withdrawals and detox period.

Which is truly sad, because the reality is that detox might take anywhere from 0-21 days, but some addicts waste 5, 10, 15 years lost in addiction, rather than passing through this detox phase.

It’s an unfortunate trade.

Because if I were to ask you to give me 15 years of your life in return for two weeks, would you make that trade? Of course you wouldn’t. But that’s exactly what many addicts end up doing, in an effort to avoid the short-term discomfort of detox and withdrawal — they cling to the long-term pain of addictions.

So, how does this apply to you?

Well, it all comes back to that red flag I told you about earlier.

Red Flag: The fact that you feel you can’t “live without this person”. This is a red flag because this isn’t an indication of how deeply you love, but how deeply you are dependent. Dependence is of course a sign of addiction. It’s important to note that true love and addiction aren’t the same thing.

Here are the 3 key differences between them:

True love starts out as a positive life-affirming experience and continues all the way up to forever.

Love addictions are rooted in feelings. Feelings wax and wane, so love addictions have lots of highs and lows and are filled with drama.

And perhaps the most important difference: True love promotes a sense of freedom, a state of joy, and a sense of empowerment.

Love addictions promote obsession, fixation and the feeling that “you can’t live without the other person.”

Now, looking at these differences…

…ask yourself: Are you dealing with a true love experience or an addiction?

From the many red flags in your email, it appears you might be dealing with a love addiction. And if that’s the case, then what now?

Here’s my suggestion:

Step #1. Come out of denial. Admit that this has more of the qualities of addiction than love. Let that truth dispel the allure, fascination and appeal surrounding the situation.

Step #2. Look from the right perspective. The fact that you can experience such intensity doesn’t make you special — it makes you human. Attraction (no matter how intense) is Mother Nature’s biological dart gun. Everyone gets hit with it at some point in their lives. However, just because the feelings are intense, doesn’t mean they’re appropriate.

And probably your most important step:

Step #3: Be willing to endure the discomfort of letting go. Like many other types of addictions, a love addiction is hard to let go. And one of the things that make it so hard is the fear of withdrawals, the fear of discomfort, and the unwillingness to endure the first few days, nights, weeks without that other person in your life.

But keep this in mind: The longer you allow addictions to control you, the deeper into the darkness it takes you.

Here’s the bottom line…

…that magnetic, electric, compulsive, fascinating feeling you get when you think about him or see him or walk into the same room with him isn’t a sign of destiny — it’s a sign of intense sexual attraction. And just because you have an intense sexual attraction to someone doesn’t mean they’re your soul mate.

Now, for the good news.

It might surprise you to learn there’s actually some good news to share here. You see, the fact that you’re dealing with a love addiction and/or an intense sexual attraction opens the door for your biggest questions to be easily answered.

So, going back to your very first question: Will you ever be able to get him out of your mind?
The answer: Yes. Because with T&D (time and distance), all obsessive and compulsive thinking stirred up by love addictions or intense sexual attraction fades.

But for this to happen sooner than later, I suggest you follow my three-step formula. And for more help reversing your way out of this experience, read my article: The Secret World of Emotional Affairs.

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