Today, the gloves are off.
We’re going to talk candidly about one of the most significant issues facing all committed couples: sexual happiness. To be sure, much has been written about sexual satisfaction in committed relationships and how it affects loyalty and fidelity. I’m going to take a slightly different approach because I believe, there’s a big difference between “having sex” and “having sexual happiness” in committed relationships.
What’s the difference between having sex and having sexual happiness?
Well, here it is: any fool can have sex. The procedure is simple. The drive is hardwired. The urge is instinctive. In fact, having sex may just be the most universal activity on this planet. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even single-cell amoeba do it. Obviously, having sex isn’t rocket science; however, having sexual happiness is a completely different story. Here’s why: sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse. (Gasp!) It’s not mechanical, it’s not automatic, and perhaps most importantly… it’s not even physical. (More on this later.) So if sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse, then where is it?
That’s a great question.
The answer differs for everyone. Why? Because sexual happiness isn’t measured by external yardsticks, but by individual experience. It’s about our levels of satisfaction with the quality of our sexual connection with each other.
In other words…
Sexual happiness goes far beyond mechanics to include the meaning and emotions associated with our experiences. And it’s exactly because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of sexual happiness that human beings are the only animals with the potential to achieve it.
So, what exactly is sexual happiness?
It helps to think of sexual happiness as being a state of mind like love or trust. Although you may not be able to define exactly what it is, you know when it’s present or absent.
So let me begin by saying what it is NOT:
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in sex; it’s created in relationships.
- Sexual happiness includes sex, but isn’t limited to sexual activities.
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in satisfying physical urges; it emerges from satisfying relationships.
- Sexual happiness isn’t mechanical; it’s an emotional experience.
- Sexual happiness isn’t about sharing bodies; it’s about two people sharing themselves.
- Sexual happiness isn’t superficial; it’s a deeply intimate exchange.
- Sexual happiness isn’t built on techniques; it’s built on trust.
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in variety; it’s found in creativity.
- Sexual happiness isn’t the result of lust; it’s the result of emotional intimacy.
How We Define Sexual Happiness
We define “sexual happiness” as having all the love, sex, and intimacy you want within a relationship that allows you to give and receive the widest range of sexual expression possible for both of you.
Perhaps the most important insight is that…
Sexual happiness is a byproduct of the relationship. In other words, while it only takes one partner to be sexually satisfied, it takes two to create the conditions for sexual happiness.
A Key Sign of Sexual Happiness
A key sign of sexual happiness in a relationship is a couple’s ability (willingness) to endlessly renew the sex energy between them. Therefore, the term “sexual happiness” describes couples who are able to rekindle, renew, and expand their sexual enjoyment with each other… all the way to forever.
Since sexual happiness is a byproduct of the relationship and not of the individual, how exactly can a couple go about creating the conditions by which sexual happiness occurs? That’s a great question. I think the answer can be found by observing the five keys to sexual happiness.
Sexual intimacy without trust is impossible. This is because the true meaning of the word “intimacy” is “IN-TO-ME-SEE”. It’s the willingness to allow your inner world to be seen, known, and loved by another. Therefore, there’s no intimacy without trust, and no trust without transparency.
Passion isn’t found in sex; passion is found in people. To fully embrace sexual passion, you must be fully present IN the moment. In other words, you must bring your mind, body, and soul to the lovemaking experience. This means being conscious, aware, and awake — mentally and emotionally — in the bedroom.
Everything, including sex, begins with thought. The mind that is blocked by inhibiting beliefs cannot fully embrace sexual happiness, freedom, and joy. Therefore, it’s important to banish and discard sexual inhibitions from your mind. This requires trust and courage, but the rewards are priceless.
Routines are the enemy of romance, and predictability cools the fires of passion. To counteract these twin forces, you must consciously design and embrace rituals of pleasure. Rituals of pleasure are specific thoughts, actions, and activities that massage, animate, and stimulate your sensual and emotional pleasure centers.
It’s never the sex that gets boring. It’s always the foreplay. And while there’s nothing new to learn in sex, there’s always newness to discover with foreplay. Therefore, one of the biggest secrets to increasing sexual happiness is found in exploring variety and newness in your foreplay. One of the best ways to do this? Read my article How to Passion Up Your Marriage, an intro to Tantra… American Style.
Bad News/Good News
The good news is that all couples have the ability to create conditions for sexual happiness. The bad news is that not all couples are willing to do what it takes to create it.
There are probably as many reasons for NOT creating sexual happiness as there are for creating it. However, for those couples who want to enjoy a lifetime of sexual happiness, there are certain obstacles that must first be removed.
What are the obstacles? We’re going to cover the 5 biggest ones next…