How Do You Survive An Affair?
What causes infidelity in the first place?
I’ve said this before: infidelity is never the “cause” — it’s always the effect. Focusing on the “infidelity” while ignoring the “cause” (underlying conflicts and issues) is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, rather than watching out for icebergs. It’s simply the wrong focus.
Why does infidelity (or cheating) hurt so much?
Because, when a person’s emotional security gets ripped away from them, what’s left is a raw, agonizing vulnerability that’s impossible to put into words. That’s why the “affair” speaks louder — and cuts deeper — than any other kind of betrayal or dishonesty.
Here’s the big insight:
Without a commitment to monogamy, there can be no “infidelity”.
Without a promise to be satisfied with one, there can be no betrayal with “another”.
So in reality, it’s the mental and emotional security of a monogamous relationship (that sense of specialness and exclusivity) that infidelity shatters and undermines.
Is there a cure or prevention for infidelity?
I believe there is. And I’ll share it with you before this article is over. But for now, let’s get back to the reason YOU are most likely here: SURVIVING, FORGIVING and OVERCOMING Infidelity.
I believe the best way to handle infidelity is the same way you would handle any other difficulty in life. You face it, deal with it, and then put it behind you. (Easier said than done.)
So I’m here to help you through this process.
Below, you’ll see how infidelity can be broken down into 3 Key Stages.
This article will help you to better understand (and deal with) whichever stage you’re now in. As you read each stage, pay close attention to the different Dos, Don’ts, and my recommendations for handling each stage correctly.
Regardless of which stage you find yourself in today, I suggest you take the time to read and educate yourself about all the stages. With that said, lets now look at each stage:
STAGE 1: Suspected Infidelity
If You Suspect Your Partner Is Having An Affair Or Being Unfaithful…
Then you need to move with both speed and accuracy.
According to the latest statistics on infidelity, the odds are not in your favor. In fact, recent studies tell us that 85% of women who feel their lover is cheating are correct. And approximately 50% of men who feel their lover might be cheating are also right.
However, intuition by itself is NOT ENOUGH.
Things to Be Aware of in This Stage
Most people’s instinctive response is to fight fire with fire. Once they become suspicious… they start accusing, threatening, manipulating, spying or trying to bully their partners into admitting they had (or are having) an affair. These tactics almost never work. In fact, over 90% of the time, they actually backfire.
But why would someone who loves you … deceive you?
Here’s the reality: deception can be a highly addictive game. And like any other game, it has rules.
The rules of deception are simple: lie, deny, delay and then… lie some more.
Many wayward partners know if they stick to the rules of deception, the only way to “lose” this game is to be caught red-handed. And even then, they’ll continue to implement these rules. For example, if they’re caught in a kiss… they will only admit to that one kiss. OR if a flirtatious email gets intercepted… they will insist it was the only one.
So what do you do… when no matter WHAT you do… you can expect to be deceived? Most people believe the answer is to spy, snoop, stalk and find more clever ways to expose the other person’s deceptions.
Now, who’s gaming who?
There’s a better way, and it starts by creating a space for safety and honesty… which then naturally leads to the truth.
Here’s what I mean: creating a space for honesty is more than mere words.
Honesty is a two-way street. If you want your partner to be honest with you, then you have to be the kind of person they feel safe to be honest with. It takes more than saying… “It’s safe to tell me the truth.” It takes more than promising not to get hurt, not to get angry or not to leave. Most wayward partners recognize this is usually a trap. Many people “say” they want the truth… but only as long as it’s what they want to hear. In other words, when the “truth” isn’t pleasant, they just can’t take it.
What inspires honesty?
It comes back to one simple fact. As human beings, we all have one element other animals don’t. It’s called a conscience. No matter how much a wayward partner might TRY to turn it off, compartmentalize it, rationalize it, downsize it or pretend it doesn’t exist… their own sense of “right and wrong” works just like the GPS system in your car. No matter how many wrong turns they take… that voice keeps on suggesting the right thing to do.
So, what happens when you ignore your conscience?
ANSWER: You get STRESS!
It takes a tremendous amount of stress and energy to lead a double life. The thrill of “getting away with it” is always tarnished by the guilt, shame and stress caused by going against our own integrity.
I've noticed that about 90% of the time, the wayward partner wants to confess, but they're too afraid to do so (and usually, with good reason).
If you think about it, by continuing to lie, they keep their life intact. But, if they tell the truth, they run the risk of losing everything that’s important to them. Now, you tell me: where’s the real incentive in telling the truth?
To have any chance at a satisfying relationship… trust is a must.
So, given the choice, wouldn’t you prefer to hear the truth (good, bad or ugly) from your own partner’s lips?
Here’s the reality…
Partners who are able to create honesty (even in the midst of infidelity) have a better chance of recovery. In other words, the relationships in which partners voluntarily confess… have a much better chance of surviving… than those in which partners are “caught red-handed”.
If you’re dealing with suspicion of infidelity, then you have a very important decision to make. Ask yourself:
Are you going to ignore your suspicious thoughts and feelings?
Are you going to do something constructive about them?
Don’t ignore them AND don’t jump to conclusions either.
Suspicious thoughts can be vicious. Like weeds in a beautiful garden, when left unattended, they take over and take on a life of their own.
Are you open to learning a better way of dealing with your suspicions? If so, then I can teach you several highly effective ways that many of my previous clients have used to inspire honesty and create a healthy atmosphere for voluntary confessions.
Will they work for you?
I believe they will. But there’s only one way to know for sure. First, you’ll need to learn them and then test them for yourself.
Why is talking to a professional like me, at a time like this, such a good idea?
Here are four solid reasons:
Because the anxiety of “not knowing” won’t go away until you know for sure.
Because there’s a difference between intuition and facts.
Because what you do (or don’t do) next will make a huge difference in how all this turns out.
Because I’ve helped so many people (in this kind of situation) resolve their doubts and suspicions successfully, it only makes sense to leverage my years of experience for your own benefit.
Remember: What you do now is as important as what you don’t do.
STAGE 2: Confirmed Infidelity
DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For the Betrayed Partner)
If You’ve Recently Discovered Your Partner’s Affair…
Then nothing could have prepared you for the devastation that betrayal provokes. I can only imagine… that from the moment you found out, you’ve been walking around somewhat dazed and confused — sort of like a dreamer trapped in a nightmare, desperately struggling to wake up… but can’t.
As reality sets in, so do grief and anger … mixed with a sense of disbelief.
Things to Be Aware of in This Stage:
Obsessing over details is normal (but not healthy). Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster is common (and sometimes leads to physical symptoms like nausea, anxiety and sleeplessness).
Dangerous Emotions to Watch out For
Chronic fatigue, sinking feelings of despair, helplessness, hopelessness or powerlessness. These can indicate the need for possible medical help. *CAUTION: If this describes you, STOP reading now and seek medical attention.
So let’s talk about what can help you. Here are some ideas:
Look for healthy ways to switch your focus, like exercising, making sure you get enough sleep, taking private walks in nature, having fun with kids, keeping yourself busy with projects, hobbies or crafts, reading positive message books, and so on.
And the most important thing you can do right now… is to talk about how you feel.
Talk to people you can trust. Call on your best friends (whom you know will be supportive and non-judgmental, and will not betray secrets.
What else do you need right now?
But what happens when the betrayal, deception and dishonesty feel too heavy to burden others with?
What do you do if you don’t have that best friend to turn to that you know will be able to understand and give you the advice you need?
What if you’re a fiercely private and independent person who prefers to handle things on your own, but now you find this is too much for you? (What can you do?)
That’s where I can help you.
Imagine this for a moment…
You have a splitting headache. The headache medicine is in the bathroom. All you have to do is go get it. Wouldn’t you do it? Of course you would. It would seem rather silly to allow yourself to sit there and suffer endlessly when help is right in front of you.
I want you to know that you don’t have to face this alone.
Sadly, unlike a headache…
There’s no “magic pill” that will work with infidelity.
However, there are ways to lessen the hurt. There are ways to help manage the emotional roller coaster. And there are steps you can take to jump-start your healing process.
Wisdom tells us…
“What doesn’t kill us… makes us stronger.”
When it comes to infidelity, I find this to be especially true.
Are you willing to talk about it?
Sometimes, it only takes one idea… one good suggestion… to make the difference between spiraling down into depression and improving our self-esteem. The good news is, I have many good ideas to share with you (and they work).
So, if you’re hurting or having a hard time dealing with the discovery of your partner’s infidelity, then I encourage you to schedule a private phone session with me.
For over 15 years, I’ve been helping betrayed partners like you to get past the hurt, make better decisions, and get back to feeling normal again. Today can be the turning point for you. All you have to do is reach out and let me help you.
DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For The Wayward Partner)
If Your Partner Recently Discovered Your Affair…
You’re not alone. Did you know that by the end of the day, an estimated 19,000 cheating partners will be exposed? (Only a few will confess.)
The majority will get caught red-handed.
In this age of technology, it still amazes me just how many husbands and wives continue to underestimate the resourcefulness of their partners.
Things to Be Aware of in This Stage:
- The tendency to feel sorry for yourself
- The tendency to make excuses that help rationalize the affair
Neither helps. As a matter of fact, these are like pouring gasoline on fire. All they do is make a bad situation worse.
BE AWARE OF THE TENDENCY TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND MAKE EXCUSES THAT HELP RATIONALIZE THE AFFAIR
One more thing…
You’re going to have to be prepared to deal with the roller coaster of your partner’s reaction. It’s going to range somewhere between helplessness to rage… from blame to punishment… from shame to desire for revenge. These are all reflex responses. They’re normal and natural. You must be prepared to handle any and all of them.
What’s the best thing to do now?
You might be asking yourself, when does it end?
This is one of the most common questions I get from wayward partners. Sometimes it seems that the pain and hurt the affair caused will never end. This is usually because most wayward partners aren’t prepared to deal with the emotional aftermath their infidelity unleashes. Like opening Pandora’s box… many don’t have a clue how to close it back.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel. It may interest you to learn that about 40% of the people I coach are those who are dealing with the consequences of their affair.
If you have to stand in the storm… isn’t it better to do it with an umbrella? What you do, what you say, and how you act in the next few days and weeks matter more than anything else. One false move… one wrong word… is all it takes to take your situation from bad to worse. It’s going to be very important for you to know when to talk, when to listen, and when to walk away.
One last thing…
Whether you had an impulsive one-night stand (ONS), a long-term affair (LTA) or an emotional affair (EA), how you respond is vital. What’s best for other people isn’t nearly as important right now as what’s best for YOU.
One important question facing you right now is whether you’re going to go at it alone or accept the help that’s here for you.
I invite you to let me show you how to best navigate through these tough times. I’ll show you how to stand in the storm you created (without being swept away) and teach you the skills you’ll need to handle the emotional roller coaster (without losing your peace of mind).
DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For the Wayward Partner Whose Affair Is Still Ongoing)
If Your Affair Is Still Ongoing…
Then here are some things you need to be aware of: over 80% of cheating partners DO get caught. You heard right. Infidelity is the third leading cause of divorce in North America.
Get real with yourself.
All deception is really self-deception. So ask yourself… what desires, wants, needs or cravings is this experience satisfying for you? Once you can answer that, move on to this question: is there a way to get those desires, wants, needs and cravings satisfied without hurting anyone?
Here’s a *hint*: The answer… is YES.
I know you don’t believe that right now. If you did, you wouldn’t have had to hide, sneak around, or cheat. But trust me when I tell you… it’s absolutely true.
So what stops a wayward spouse from asking for help?
Two words: Fear and Embarrassment.
Both of these are “non-issues” when you work privately with me via the phone, ZOOM, FaceTime or Skype.
Here’s what I mean:
And just in case you were wondering what to expect… let me say:
It’s not my function to offer judgment, criticism or moral pep talks.
After more than 17 years of specializing in this field…
I don’t believe there’s much more that could surprise me. So don’t feel uncomfortable. In fact, I want you to expect to feel at ease and discover many healthy solutions for you and your partner to heal and be happy.
What’s next? How will all of this play out?
At the end of the day, all I can do is issue the invitation. The decision to accept is totally up to you.
There’s a way to get exactly what you want. It’s different from what you’ve been doing up until now, and yet it works! Isn’t it time you found out what it is? Book Appointment Here
DEALING WITH STAGE TWO
(For the Other Man or Woman)
In My Opinion, You’re In The Most Unfortunate Position.
Like a lost ship caught between the high tide and the jagged rocks along the coast, this relationship can’t move forward or backwards.
When people find out you’re involved with a married person, they’re seldom sympathetic. Even friends, parents and co-workers rarely understand and are usually quick to judge. When you think about it, you can’t really blame them too much, can you? You already know the prognosis for this kind of relationship isn’t very good.
I want you to know, there’s a better way.
“It’s never too late to become the person you were meant to be.”
Remember: There’s one form of currency neither you nor I can create more of in this life. And that is TIME.
I urge you not to waste another precious moment of your life in a relationship that has very little chance of going anywhere. Will you accept my help?
Let me encourage you to take full advantage of my 17+ years of professional experience in this area.
I really can help you take control of your life and find your way back to a more healthy self-esteem and emotional well-being. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a thousand moments of anxiety, frustration, heartache and difficulties — it only takes a single moment to make a breakthrough. Today can be that day for you.
STAGE 3: Healing and Recovery from the Affair
Did You Know That Human Beings Are NOT Monogamous By Nature?
That’s right. We’re monogamous by choice. That means our natural sex instinct is NOT to be faithful. When it comes to sex, birds do it, bees do it, but only humans have this amazing capacity to create sexual intimacy.
That’s where monogamy comes in.
When successful, monogamy gives us ideal conditions for creating (and experiencing) the deepest levels of emotional intimacy and bonding we’re capable of. However, like everything else in life, monogamy does have its challenges — the biggest one being how it requires us to live by principle rather than by instinct.
And since being monogamous isn’t automatic, it requires willingness and effort. When people are in denial about the realities of monogamy, it can leave the door open to temptation and future heartache.
Now here’s another interesting question for you to consider:
Before today, has anyone ever taken the time to fully explain to you what it takes to create and sustain a loving relationship? Were you ever given the tools, skills and ideas to design a relationship in ways that fulfill the wants and desires you AND your partner both have… thereby ensuring personal satisfaction and enduring fulfillment?
If not, then today can be a real turning point for you. Do you remember the promise I made to you at the beginning of this article? I promised to share with you what I feel is the best antidote and the #1 remedy for infidelity… and here it is:
I believe every adversity brings with it the seeds of an equal or greater benefit.
I know you probably are wishing this unfortunate experience never happened. But what if… you could find a way to turn the lemons life has handed you… into lemonade?
Today, I invite you to do more than just merely survive infidelity. I want you to thrive! I want you to do more than recover. I want you to heal (and grow) as a result of this experience. I want you to be able to look back and say, “This was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
In order to help you do that, I’ve created an online affair recovery course for couples looking to rebuild their marriage after infidelity.
Here are a few areas we cover with you:
Isn’t that something worth striving for?
Regardless of whether you stay in your current relationship or decide to move on, knowing these secrets for sustaining relationship happiness is going to be vitally important to you … for the rest of your life.
You don’t want to attract the same experiences again. The only way to make sure you don’t… is to learn from your mistakes.
Ready for a turn around?
When you’re ready… help is here. I do work one-on-one with a select few couples privately via phone or Skype coaching, helping them to navigate the murky waters of affair recovery and then teaching them my strategies and principles proven effective in my own recovery the 15+ years of specializing in affair recovery.
I spent over 7 years putting everything I’ve learned into the most complete marriage rebuilding course available anywhere.
So be sure and check out Rebuilding Your Marriage Online Course for Couples.
It’s truly life transforming information that I feel strongly will bless your life and your marriage for many, many years.
Here are some final thoughts.
Just like you can’t learn to dance from reading a book, simply reading about infidelity won’t make it go away. The only thing that WILL help… is your decision to do something about it. Don’t allow fear or embarrassment to stop you from doing what’s best for yourself.
In my many years as a working life coach, I’ve realized the people who need the most help are usually the ones who are the most reluctant to ask for it. Much like how a wounded animal is mistrustful of the care of a stranger, many people who have been hurt by infidelity usually find it much more difficult to trust.
There ARE true helpers in this world who, like angels, rush in to help those who are in need. If you’re dealing with infidelity on any level, I’m here to help you.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!