Have you ever wondered…
Why aren’t we more like trumpeter swans? Seriously… wouldn’t it be nice if human beings were “hard-wired for monogamy” so that once we fall in love with one mate, we’re automatically rendered “immune” to the sexual allure of all other potential mates? If this thought has ever crossed your mind, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s the controlling idea behind most romance novels, fairy tales, Hollywood movies and love songs — the wish to find a love so potent and powerful in one mate, that it renders all other choices “obsolete”. (sigh) As romantic as that sounds, however, it’s not real life.
Because unlike trumpeter swans…
Who are hard-wired by Mother Nature to select one mate and then mate monogamously for life, the human sexual and mating instinct is free. This means that for us, monogamy is NOT a compulsion — it’s a choice. We have a wide variety of potential mates, and once we make our selection to mate with one person, we continually face a wide variety of temptations to “unmake” that choice.
What is infidelity?
Basically, infidelity is the choice to “unmake” a previous choice to practice monogamy and the use of some type of deceptive tactic to hide this new choice from others. So in both cases, the choice to practice monogamy — or the choice not to do so — is deeply personal.
Monogamy isn’t a one-time choice for human beings; it’s an ongoing choice. And that choice requires both daily practice and unwavering commitment. This means monogamy cannot be forced. It can only be inspired. And so, the million-dollar question is…
What inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous?
Two key things: our passion and our principles. And here’s the kicker: like sugar and salt, they absolutely go together. Passion is like the sugar that sweetens monogamy, and our principles are like the salt that preserves it. And of the two, the decline of passion is by far the more dangerous.
Many people will be surprised to hear this.
Indeed, most of us would assume that even if passion goes, we should be able to rely on “principles” to see us through. Hey, listen. In an ideal world, this would be true. But in the real world, it just isn’t the case because monogamy without passion is like living in a room without windows — eventually, you will seek ways to escape it (and even principles won’t be able to hold you back). In other words… the decline of passion is the kiss of death in a monogamous relationship.
Which would explain…
Why 66% of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom (lack of passion, rather than lack of love), and why the majority of partners who strayed did so while being in what they described as a “good marriage” at the time of their indiscretion.
If you want to create and sustain a lifetime of monogamy, then you must also know how to renew passion, inspire desire and sustain a lifetime of commitment.
Now, for another million-dollar question.
How exactly do you go about doing that? Great question! Personally, I think that’s one of the most important questions you could ask.
The answer is coming up next…