What causes the fear of healing?
There are many erroneous beliefs around healing that often create confusion, fear and ultimately resistance to healing. Let’s take a look at six of the more common ones.
Believing that Staying Angry Gives Me Power
It’s an irrational (and seductive) belief that anger gives power. But does it really? Or is it just a ruse to hide the fact that we actually feel powerless? That’s something to think about, huh? Here’s the thing about anger: it doesn’t give you any more power than a lampshade gives a lamp power.
Thinking that Staying Hurt Gives Me Control
This is a victim’s coping strategy. In an effort to reverse the injustice done to them, many people hold on to the hurt and then use their pain as an excuse to hurt others. But does it work? Can you really find happiness by collecting injustices and using those injustices to control others? I’m not so sure you can.
SIDE NOTE: All victim coping strategies are learned behaviors. This means they can also be unlearned once a person clearly sees how unattractive they are.
Assuming It's Not My Responsibility to Heal
This is another type of learned helplessness. It comes from the belief that those who cause us harm are also responsible to bring us healing. This is why so many betrayed partners wait in vain for their wayward partners to do something to make them feel better. Waiting for those who hurt you to heal you is like waiting for a bee that stings you to come back and soothe your wound. The truth of the matter is, regardless of who or what causes the hurt, the healing is your responsibility.
Believing that If I Stay Hurt, It Will Teach Them a Lesson
Here’s the essence of this belief: if I punish, pressure, and cause them to hurt like I’m hurting, they will feel the pain I feel, and that will teach them a lesson and make them change for the better. But does it really work? I’m not convinced it does. From my observation, punishment doesn’t automatically correct behavior (or else, the prison system wouldn’t be a revolving door for repeat offenders). If you want to look at the reality of what punishment induces, it’s more like compliance at best — where people do right for fear of being caught, but not from the desire to do right. Watch out! Beneath the mask of compliance lurks defiance. Staying hurt in order to teach someone else a lesson is not effective… not to mention, it’s actually counterproductive.
Thinking that If I Heal, They Win
Here’s another irrational concept. If you were to let it go and move on with your life, then it means they got away with it. So, in order for YOU to win, you mistakenly believe you have to hold on to the pain. But when you hold this argument up to the clear light of day, you can see how illogical it is to believe that you must lose in order to win.
And now, drum roll, please… (Here’s the biggest reason people fail to heal.)
Worrying that It's Too Soon to Heal
Maybe you’re thinking, “What if I’m just not ready to heal? What if it feels like it’s too soon? The wound is too fresh? Are you implying that it’s wrong for you feel that way?” Here’s what I want you to understand: it’s not about being wrong or right. This is about confusion versus clarity, because why would anyone postpone their own healing, unless they were confused about the benefits of healing? This is like not cashing in a winning lottery ticket, because you feel like it’s too soon to be rich. Trust me, only a confused person could believe that staying hurt is more of a payoff than healing is.
The Moment of Choice
Healing doesn’t wait for time. It awaits the decision to heal. This means you can begin the healing journey right now. In order to do this, you must make an important choice.
You must decide…
Would you rather keep the hurt or welcome the healing?
Take a moment to really think about this because you can’t have both. To keep the hurt, you must reject healing, and to heal, you must reject holding on to the hurt. If you would rather keep the hurt, then our conversation ends here. We part as friends. How do you know when you’re ready to welcome healing? You know you’re ready to heal when you’re willing to release all the beliefs that create fear, no matter how warmly you cherished them in the past. You know you’re ready to heal when you become sick and tired of being afraid, insecure, miserable, irritable, moody, mistrustful, and anxious about the future.
You know you’re ready to heal when you can honestly say, “I want peace, more than I want to punish. I want to be happy, more than I want to be right. I want to feel good, more than I want to feel guilty. I want to live in love, more than I want to live in fear.”
If this sounds like you…
Then I suggest you enroll in my coaching insights home-study Betrayed Partner Recover… which includes Healing the Hurt You Didn’t Deserve.
In this session…
Together, you and I will go through the steps that will lead you from feeling broken-hearted… back to whole-hearted.
Reading and learning is good, but it’s by experience that we are transformed. It’s not enough to read about healing; you must allow yourself to open up to it.
What if you still feel some resistance to healing?
Then chances are you have failed to recognize that healing means winning back your power. And staying hurt means losing your power to the situation.
But if that doesn’t sound like something you’re willing to embrace right now, then I’m not concerned in the least because here’s what I am certain of: it’s not a matter of will you heal, it’s only a matter of when. Because even if your tolerance for pain is high, it’s not without limits.
Eventually, there will come a day when you simply cannot put it off anymore — a day when the fear becomes unbearable, the negative feelings become intolerable, the misery becomes too much for you to bear, and you finally reach a point where you say, “I just can’t take it anymore.” In that moment, you will begin to search for a way out.
I’ll leave the light on for you.
This website… all the tools… conversations… workshops… articles… resources… will be here for you then, just as they are now… but why wait?
Why put off your own happiness?
It’s true that everyone gets hurt, but why should anyone hurt longer than necessary?
Healing awaits your decision. Make it sooner rather than later.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!