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Have you ever wondered…
Why aren’t we more like trumpeter swans? Seriously… wouldn’t it be nice if human beings were “hard-wired for monogamy” so that once we fall in love with one mate, we’re automatically rendered “immune” to the sexual allure of all other potential mates? If this thought has ever crossed your mind, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s the controlling idea behind most romance novels, fairy tales, Hollywood movies and love songs — the wish to find a love so potent and powerful in one mate that it renders all other choices “obsolete”. (sigh) As romantic as that sounds, however, it’s not real life.
Because unlike trumpeter swans…
Who are hard-wired by Mother Nature to select one mate and then mate monogamously for life, the human sexual and mating instinct is free. This means that for us, monogamy is NOT a compulsion — it’s a choice. We have a wide variety of potential mates, and once we make our selection to mate with one person, we continually face a wide variety of temptations to “unmake” that choice.
What is infidelity?
Basically, infidelity is the choice to “unmake” a previous choice to practice monogamy and the use of some type of deceptive tactic to hide this new choice from others. So in both cases, the choice to practice monogamy — or the choice not to do so — is deeply personal.
Monogamy isn’t a one-time choice for human beings; it’s an ongoing choice. And that choice requires both daily practice and unwavering commitment. This means monogamy cannot be forced. It can only be inspired. And so, the million-dollar question is…
What inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous?
Two key things: our passion and our principles. And here’s the kicker: like sugar and salt, they absolutely go together. Passion is like the sugar that sweetens monogamy, and our principles are like the salt that preserves it. And of the two, the decline of passion is by far the more dangerous.
Many people will be surprised to hear this.
Indeed, most of us would assume that even if passion goes, we should be able to rely on “principles” to see us through. Hey, listen. In an ideal world, this would be true. But in the real world, it just isn’t the case because monogamy without passion is like living in a room without windows — eventually, you will seek ways to escape it (and even principles won’t be able to hold you back). In other words… the decline of passion is the kiss of death in a monogamous relationship.
Which would explain…
Why 66% of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom (lack of passion, rather than lack of love), and why the majority of partners who strayed did so while being in what they described as a “good marriage” at the time of their indiscretion.
If you want to create and sustain a lifetime of monogamy, then you must also know how to renew passion, inspire desire and sustain a lifetime of commitment.
Now, for another million-dollar question.
How exactly do you go about doing that? Great question! Personally, I think that’s one of the most important questions you could ask.
The answer is coming up next…
What is Passionate Monogamy?
Passionate Monogamy is a new approach to monogamy — one wherein couples take an active role in designing their lifestyle and defining their relationship rules and roles so that it creates the conditions that can sustain a lifetime of love, loyalty and happiness with one partner.
Note: Passionate Monogamy is about creating the conditions by which monogamy is inspired and sustained over a lifetime. This is an important distinction to make. Because we all practice monogamy by choice, it can never be forced on any of us. The best we can do is to design our relationship to create the conditions that make this choice the most desirable one we can make.
The Two Controlling Principles
(1) Relationship happiness is created by design, not by default. No “one-size-fits-all” design for monogamy exists. This is because monogamy is NOT static, it’s organic. And so the experience must be personalized, customized and tailored to match both the individual and the collective desires of both partners.
(2) Soul mates aren’t made in heaven; they’re created right here on earth. Your relationship’s success isn’t a “gift from the gods”, nor is it based on “good luck” or on “hard work.” Rather, it emerges from your ability to design and direct your relationship intelligently, and in such a way that it exactly matches your hearts’ desires. As of today, not many couples realize their responsibility to design their own relationships. This is a very dangerous oversight.
Why Practice Passionate Monogamy?
Because boredom is to monogamy what kryptonite is to Superman — it’s the main weakness. This is because the biggest downside to monogamy is the lack of “newness”. Therefore, it’s important for those couples that choose to practice monogamy to learn how to design a lifestyle wherein newness is always added back in. Because when it comes to monogamous relationships, there’s nothing more dangerous than boredom.
The couple who practices passionate monogamy want two key things: (1) to design a relationship dynamic wherein “the good never stops growing”, and (2) To enjoy a relationship lifestyle that so closely matches their deepest values and desires that neither one is ever compelled to reach beyond it. And they do all this by committing to focus on four key areas.
The Four Ingredients
Couples who practice passionate monogamy make a lifetime commitment to learn, grow and continuously develop their skills, insights and understanding in these key areas of focus: (1) love, (2) trust, (3) open communications, and (4) sexual happiness.
The Difference that Makes the Difference
Rather than just blindly following the traditional model, rules and map of monogamy (which puts the majority of couples on a collision course with infidelity), couples who practice passionate monogamy think, decide, design and define the rules, roles, goals and rituals for happiness for themselves. Being fully aware that sustaining a lifetime of relationship happiness happens by design (not by default), they not only question “hand-me-down” traditions, they’re willing to go a step further and discard those traditions that aren’t working for them. And rather than just taking the good for granted… they take the time and make the effort to consciously renew their love and romance on purpose (rather than passively praying it sustains itself).
They enjoy a relationship that remains passionate, loving and infidelity-free for life — not because they got lucky, but because they got creative and active. They were willing to learn the skills and take the steps that would take them towards the kind of relationship they want.
Is the Passionate Monogamy Approach Right for You?
Do you want to…
- ENJOY a lifetime of love, loyalty and passion that never stops growing?
- REKINDLE the love or passion that you had for each other?
- SUSTAIN the high levels of connection and intimacy that you currently enjoy?
- REBUILD your relationship so that it better matches and meets your desire?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then there’s no doubt in my mind that Passionate Monogamy is worth exploring for you. If that makes sense to you, here are the resources I offer here at GoAskSuzie.com to help facilitate your journey:
The Manifesto: Take a look at the Passionate Monogamy Manifesto. It’s the written declaration of the guiding principles and insights of this approach.
The Workshop: You can enroll in my Marriage Rehab for Couples, my complete marriage rebuilding online course. It’s a video-based home study course for couples that will help you ensure that the passion, love, trust and sexual happiness in your marriage never stop growing.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!