After winning the Masters, the winning golfer had an interesting comment. A reporter asked him to describe what was going through his mind as he approached the 18th hole as he realized he was not only behind on the leader board, but now his ball was buried in the sand trap.
Here’s what the golfer told the reporter:
“I didn’t think about any of my previous mistakes; I simply thought about the hole I was about to play, and I asked myself, how can I put together my best shot from here?”
What a powerful answer!
It’s no surprise this statement came from the mind of a champion athlete. Getting to the top of any sport in the world requires athletes to have more than just talent; it requires them to have some extraordinary come-from-behind skills.
In a way, you are like that athlete. (Here’s what I mean.)
Because you had an affair, you have hurt the woman you love, and trying to win her back is going to require some extraordinary turnaround skills. This is no easy task. You’re going to need to draw upon some of the same mental toughness world class athletes use when the championship is on the line. Think back to that golfer’s response to the reporter: “I didn’t think about any of my previous mistakes; I simply thought about the hole I was about to play and I asked myself, how can I put together my best shot from here?”
Did you notice…
He isn’t caught up in the backlash of his previous mistakes… he’s not beating up on himself… he simply stays in the moment… his mental approach is calm… he asks himself the kind of questions that will get the job done. What a formula! The best part is that it worked for him — he won the Masters. I believe if you follow his lead, it can work for you, too. His formula breaks down into three key elements. Let’s go over each one and talk about how these same strategies are going to help YOU in your quest to win her back.
It’s unfortunate that when we find ourselves in difficult situations, instead of asking ourselves empowering questions, we tend to ask ourselves dis-empowering questions. For example, “how could I have been so stupid?” or “how did I let this happen?”
These types of questions might give you something to do mentally — something to obsess about — but they won’t solve your problems. The reason these types of questions don’t solve problems is because they are circular and eventually end right back at… “I don’t know.” This creates frustration for you and puts up more roadblocks for her. If you want to win her back, adding more obstacles on the pathway to success is the last thing you want to do.
I suggest you change the direction of your questions.
Rather than asking yourself questions that won’t get the job done, I suggest you ask yourself the types of questions that will get the job done. Questions like: “What can I do to turn the odds of winning her back in my favor today? Tomorrow? Next week?”
Now, don’t panic if ideas don’t flood in right away. You have to learn to trust that the answers can (and probably will) take a few minutes, but they’re there. They always are.
Here’s another key question to ask yourself:
What can I do, think, and say that will help her see that being with me is the best decision she could make?
Notice the way that question is worded. It’s a clue. It tells you that you can’t force a woman to be with you. It has to be her decision, and the best decisions women make are the ones they feel like they made free and clear.
Key Insight: By asking yourself the right questions, you put yourself in a position to come up with the right answers.
Now at first, asking yourself the right questions might seem trivial, and yet it shouldn’t be overlooked because chances are if you aren’t getting the right results, you aren’t asking the right questions.
To say this is a difficult time in your life would be an understatement, right? I can only imagine how uncertain things are for you right now. How much you feel like you have to walk on eggshells… how some days you have hope, and other days, you feel like all hope is gone.
Take heart. Although it’s painful, it does pass. The bad news is that, it’s going to be uncomfortable to stand in the storm of your own making. The good news is that, you will grow from it. But while you walk through this dark time, it’s important not to get lost, not to give up, and not to despair. Instead, you’ve got to be able to self-coach your way through it.
What do I mean by self-coach?
To self-coach is to motivate and empower yourself from the inside, especially when people (or situations) appear to be dis-empowering on the outside. Alas, many never develop this skill, so when confronted with negative situations on the outside, they also drown themselves with negative self-talk on the inside. This is like adding insult to your injury. It does you no favors. Instead, you need to take a page from the book of world-class athletes and remember… when the going gets tough, the tough gets to self-coaching.
- When you feel overwhelmed, self-coach yourself to practice patience.
- When you feel like giving up, self-coach yourself to practice endurance.
- When you think it’s not worth trying, self-coach yourself to try again.
Winning her back will be worth every single moment of discomfort and every drop of sweat. And the person who really knows how to win her back… is you.
How do I know this? Because you’ve done it before. There’s a part of you that knows the way home. That’s the guy you need to let self-coach you. That’s the one to listen to. He’s the one that knows the way back to her heart. He’s the one with all the right answers. Because if you’ve won her affection before, you can do it again.
Sir Winston Churchill once said, “When going through hell, KEEP GOING.”
A lot of us have difficulty with this concept because we were raised to believe the opposite… focus on the past so we can learn from our mistakes.
But is this true?
Does holding on to the past really make us better people? I don’t believe it does. I don’t believe you have to hold on to the past in order to learn the lessons of experience. In fact, I’m convinced the opposite is closer to the truth. It’s because people hold on to the past that they fail to learn (and not the other way around).
Think back to our championship golfer.
Did he hold on to his past mistakes, or did he find ways to keep moving forward? It’s obvious by his answer that his focus was on finding ways to move forward. As he said, he was interested in how to put together his best shot from where he was.
The same principle applies to you.
Rather than spend time trying to undo your mistakes, what’s important right now is for you to find ways to put together a string of your very best shots (for winning her back) from right where you are today. But does this mean ignoring your mistakes or brushing them under the carpet? Nope, that’s not what it means. Instead, I’m suggesting that you look for ways to deal with the situation facing you today — not last week, not next week… the one facing you right now. This means you must become present to the present problems and find ways to move forward.
Let me give you an example of what I mean.
Let’s say that after reading this article, you go home to find your wife crying hysterically. Turns out, she saw a movie with a friend, and the woman in the movie had the same name as the woman you had an affair with. This set off an avalanche of emotions within her.
Now rather than move into frustration or become overwhelmed or react with guilt over the affair, ask yourself how to put together your best shot from here. What can you do in THIS moment to deal with THIS problem?
Test it yourself.
See what happens when you begin to address problems in real time and find ways to move forward.
My final word…
Winning back the heart of the woman you’ve hurt is no cakewalk. While there are strategies that can help you, there are also strategies that could actually hurt your chances.
Obviously, I’ve shared with you the ones I believe can help. If you’d like more help, then I suggest you download and listen to my Wayward Rehab – The Wayward Partner’s Complete Infidelity Recovery home study course.
In there is a program on Standing in the Storm where I show you how to stand in the storms of negativity without falling apart, and another program called How to Win Her Back, where I spend 90 minutes coaching you on 10 powerful strategies that have been proven effective in this type of situation, as well as give you my best reconciliation game plan. I know you’ll find these (and all of the sessions) in this home-study coaching program extremely helpful.
Remember, you can’t change what you did in the past, so you must keep your focus on moving forward and doing everything you can to put together your best chance of winning her back from where you are right now.
Don’t think about what came before… focus on the task at hand.