Dear Suzie, I’ve been having an affair for the last two years with a married man. I have ended it and gone back more times than I can count. I feel like giving up, but these feelings are too strong. What can I do to stop running back to him every time he calls?
So, you have established a pattern where ending it is always followed by giving in again. What’s going on here? I have a theory: it’s easy for humans to get caught up in the addiction to newness. Many of us get hooked on that feeling you get when you do something AGAIN for the first time.
Maybe it’s not the guy you love, or even the relationship. Maybe it’s the feeling of newness that comes when you start over again and again.
It’s something to consider.
Another word for this is called drama.
I define drama as the constant replaying of the same ole episode, hoping for a different ending. (Sounds familiar?)
This should tell you that your first step to breaking free is to end the cycle of drama.
- Rather than focus on the newness and “emotional high” you get when you start over again, shift your focus instead on the pain and despair you have to endure at the end of each cycle.
- Stop inflating the feelings and overestimating the rewards of the affair.
- Keep reminding yourself that what really awaits you at the bottom of all this is more heartache, confusion, exhaustion, and rejection.
For more help on breaking free, you may want to read my article How to Break Free from the Affair.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!