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Answers and Advice for Wayward Partners

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Can I Still Have My Affair Partner in My Life?!

Question

I’ve been married for 8 years and have three children. My best friend for over 20 years and I had an emotional affair. We only kissed, but several times! We decided to end the affair before it escalated further. Is it possible to still have my affair partner in my life?! I want to be with my husband and work on our relationship. My best friend said if I tell my husband about us, our friendship is over. He will remove me from his life. He doesn’t think I need to tell my husband. I’m trying desperately not to lose my husband or my best friend!

Thank you for the opportunity to serve. I understand the concerns you’re raising in your question. You want to have your cake and eat it, too. It’s something we’ve all wished for, from time to time, so I totally understand, and yet I feel it’s important to bring certain things to your awareness right now.

Key Insight #1: He's no longer your best friend because he has crossed the line to becoming your affair partner.

A wise man once asked: “When the fact changes, I change my mind. What do you do?” This is an important question for you to ask yourself. You see, “best friends” don’t kiss each other. They don’t have sexual or romantic yearnings for each other. The fact that these two things exist changes everything else. To pretend or deny that isn’t an authentic way to live.

Key Insight #2: Denial is the decision to IGNORE the obvious.

So, you must come out of denial about the fact that these “feelings” have introduced something new to your relationship. And that “something new” changed the nature of your relationship forever. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Key Insight #3: Love clarifies our priorities.

You say you want to keep your husband AND your affair partner (notice I’m no longer referring to him as your best friend). The fact that you’re unsure what needs to happen here is a red flag for me. This is something you need to take a closer look at because one of the things love does is it helps make our priorities crystal clear. Your loyalty MUST be to your husband. Anything less is unacceptable.

One more thing. I think your question is misleading. I think the real question to ask yourself is this: can I have a man I’ve had hidden feelings for in my life AND be the best wife I can be? The answer to that should be fairly obvious. And just in case it isn’t…

Here’s a final suggestion.

It seems that you’re struggling with some inappropriate feelings that might be clouding your judgment and your ability to make good decisions. If this is the case for you, then you might want to download and listen to my audio session Dismantling Emotional Affairs because I truly believe that inappropriate feelings may be muddying the waters and preventing you from seeing the answers that are staring you right in the face.