So, you want to rebuild your marriage after infidelity – now what?
Dear Suzie, I truly believe my husband is a good guy and our marriage and family is worth saving… and I am willing to forgive and work on rebuilding our marriage – but neither one of us know where to start. Can you give us some pointers on how to begin the rebuilding process?
I understand your hesitations. Because, when it comes right down to it, the choice to rebuild your marriage after infidelity can be risky, but it doesn’t have to be a gamble. Because… if you believe the marriage you had before the affair is worth fighting for, then I want to help you fight for it. And so with that in mind, coming up next are my 6 ground rules for rebuilding your marriage – “at glance”.
My 6 ground rules for rebuilding your marriage
Rebuilding is about strategy – not luck. No matter how much we wish it would, a marriage will not rebuild and repair itself magically. Instead, this is a process that requires skill, will and strategy. If you want to rebuild, you need look for strategy – not wait on luck.
Rebuilding is a two person job. Just like how one hand clapping makes no sound – one person rebuilding makes no progress. If you plan to rebuild your marriage – then know that it’s going to take both of you are working together and rowing the boat in the same direction.
Rebuilding is a process – not an event. But it doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. The secret to successfully rebuild is knowing how to turn this process into learning experience, so that it becomes a journey that brings you closer together – rather than pulling you apart.
Rebuilding without Forgiveness is impossible. Trying to rebuild without true forgiveness is like trying to rebuild a house without a roof. So, from the very start, it’s important to know that if you plan to rebuild – you must also plan to forgive. For more about forgiving during the rebuilding process, checkout my online home-study course on Forgiving Infidelity and Releasing Pain.
Rebuilding means re-lighting fires. A big mistake couples make it assuming that rebuilding is only about putting out fires caused by the affair… and yet, that’s not enough. Because rebuilding must also be about relighting fires – like sexual happiness, passion, romance, affection between the two and of you. So, keep in mind that if you are going to rebuild you must also be willing to relight the fires.
Rituals have a powerful effect on success. Do you know why funerals, weddings and graduations are such important rituals for us? It’s because they add depth and meaning to the turning points in our lives, and give us a way to transform an abstract concept into a real and tangible experience for us.
And it might be for those reasons why couples who go through a re-commitment ritual of some type enjoy a higher rate of success. So, if you plan to rebuild – I strongly suggest you do some type of vow renewal or re-commitment ritual of some type. Read more about my re-commitment retreats here.
There you have it.
My 6 ground rules for rebuilding your marriage after a brush with infidelity – at a glance. And while it takes more than just these rules to rebuild your marriage, they are fundamental rules. And so, you’ll want to pay particular attention to them.
Ready to start rebuilding?
There are basically two types of couples attempting to rebuild an affair: the type of couples who will seek expert help with their rebuilding efforts, and the type of couples that will go through it alone.
DARE TO COMPARE
Getting Professional help
DIY ( doing it on your own)
of getting professional help
The upside to getting professional help is that it gives you access to tips, tools and strategies that you wouldn’t have known about or been able to use on your own; thereby allowing you to avoid common pitfalls (which in many cases, shortens the recovery time significantly).
The upside to taking the DIY approach to rebuilding your marriage is that you are in full control of your recovery timeline and you get to decide how you want to approach your rebuilding process. (Go, you 😊).
The downside to getting professional help – is not only finding the right professional with the right skills, but also overcoming the discomfort of sharing private details and dealing with the inconvenience of making appointments, etc.
The big downside to the DIY approach is lack of experience. And when it comes to rebuilding a marriage, inexperience is just as dangerous as rebuilding a home after an earthquake, knowing you have no experience building homes in the first place.
And while I’d love to tell you that most couples choose the path of getting professional advice… that’s usually not the case. What is closer to the norm is for most couples to take the DIY (do-it-yourself) road to rebuilding. There’s nothing wrong with that route. After all, we are a nation built on belief in self-help and self-reliance.
Just because you want to take the DIY approach shouldn’t mean you have to do so without having some type of professional guidance. And just because you want professional help doesn’t mean that you have to make an appointment, or deal with the discomforts of an office visit.
You have another option.
I created my Rebuild Your Marriage online course for both types of couples, to ensure you have the best of all worlds. For the DIY couple – taking this course is like finding an IKEA manual filled with step-by-step instructions on how to rebuild your marriage after infidelity. And for the couple who wants that professional guidance, taking this course is the equivalent of about 6 months of marriage coaching… but at a fraction of the price.
And as you consider that – consider this. A single act of forgiveness changes everything!
A single act of forgiveness changes everything.
Keep that in mind…. and know that regardless of which path you decide to take, you’re going to be okay.
Until we speak again…
Remember… Love Wins!