HEALING FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE
THOUSANDS OF BETRAYED PARTNERS HAVE FOUND A WAY TO HEAL
and bounce back stronger after betrayal. In this article, I'm going to share some of secrets of how they did it.
efore I get into the details…
I’d like to share with you a story about a little rose bush.
A ROSE IS A ROSE
As the story goes… There once was a rose bush living in the nursery of a home improvement store… waiting to be bought and taken home by a customer. One day, a happy, newlywed couple comes along. They had just bought a house with a big backyard and were eager to start and add to the garden that’s already there. When they saw the little rose bush… they fell in love. “It’s so perfect!” they said. “Not too small and not too tall, not too old and not too young.” And so they bought the rose bush to plant in their new backyard.
ONE CARELESS DOG
Now, as I said, these are newlyweds with a new house and a new yard. And although they really cared about the little rose bush… they knew next to nothing about the care and nurturing of rose bushes. And so they ended up planting the rose bush in the wrong part of the garden… a part where there was not enough sunlight. And to make matters worse, they got very busy with their lives and often forgot to water the rose bush. Eventually, they brought home a big playful dog. He loved nothing more than to play fetch… often running all over the garden and even trampling the little rose bush.
Now, imagine if you were the rose bush...
What might you think about all this? For example, would you blame the gardeners for their lack of wisdom and inexperience? Would you blame life or God for the unfairness of being planted in the wrong spot? Or would you blame the dog for its careless and inconsiderate behavior? If you’re like most people… you might be feeling any combination of those things… and more. After all, rose bushes do have to put a lot of trust in the hands of others.
SO, DOES THE STORY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING?
Yes, it does. The good news is that, while rose bushes are beautiful, they are also hardy plants. Their petals are tender enough to eat and yet strong enough to push through concrete (just like a weed). And what’s more… rose bushes have been known to survive floods, rains, harsh weather and even trampling heels year after year.
The bottom line?
While a rose bush is fragile, it’s also extremely resilient, and therefore hard to kill. And so our little rose bush did in fact survive. Actually, it found a way to thrive… going on to bloom again and again, season after season.
SO, WHAT DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH YOU?
A lot more than you might think at first glance, because like that rose bush, you too have recently had your heart trampled upon, and you too have had your trust betrayed by the careless and inconsiderate decisions of another. And now… you too have found yourself struggling to deal with an unfair situation. And maybe you might be experiencing any combination of negative feelings about what happened so far.
For example, maybe you blame yourself for being so naive. Maybe you’re angry at your partner for being so selfish. Maybe you’re mostly just confused about how this could have happened to you in the first place, or maybe it’s a combination of those feelings — plus so many others. It’s hard to sort them all out. And yet regardless of how many different types of painful feelings this betrayal has unleashed in your life… there’s one thing I am sure of, and it’s this: you want these negative feelings gone as soon as possible.
And that only makes sense because who would want to suffer without relief because of a hurt they didn’t deserve? None of us would. And it’s exactly because this is a hurt you didn’t deserve, why it’s so important for you to find a way to remove it as quickly as possible.
AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING...
Once the affair is discovered, you no longer have the option of going back and making it “unhappen”. That’s because time is like a river that only moves in one direction… forward. So at this point, it’s not a question of “if’ you’re going to get through it. Of course you will. The only question facing you now is this: How long (and how much) is it going to take?
THE GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
The good news is, there is a way for you to heal, move swiftly through the recovery process, and emerge on the other side stronger than you went into it.
The bad news is, the opposite is also true.
There are things that can delay, stall, and even prolong your recovery process… causing you to suffer and hurt longer than necessary. So, how can you tell the difference between these two? It all comes down to being aware of the following three obstacles:
THE FIRST OBSTACLE: LACK OF PREPARATION
Due to the fact that nothing prepares betrayed partners from being blindsided like this… very few people (and I mean very few) ever have a decent game plan in place on how they’re going to get through it. It’s this combination of not being prepared along with not knowing what to do next that represents the first obstacle to your recovery.
THE SECOND OBSTACLE: STAYING AWAY FROM POOR ADVICE
It can be difficult to tell who to turn to and what advice to trust and follow. Many of my past clients got poor advice from “well-meaning” family and friends. It’s hard to sort out what’s helpful advice (something that make things better) from poor advice (something that’s going to make things worse). And it’s this inability to tell the difference between the advice that is truly helpful versus the advice that ends up causing more problems that represents the second biggest obstacle to your recovery.
THE THIRD OBSTACLE: NAVIGATING THE MYTHS & MISCONCEPTIONS
Perhaps the most dangerous obstacle facing you right now is the myriad of misconceptions surrounding the topic of what it actually takes for any betrayed partner to truly survive (and even thrive) after being rocked by infidelity. I believe one of the most dangerous misconceptions — and one that I continue to hear over and over — is the myth so many people buy into that suggests that infidelity recovery is a matter of time or a matter of luck.
AND YET I'M HERE TO TELL YOU...
Your healing and survival are not going to be the result of time or luck. In fact, if you wait on time to heal you, then you must also keep in mind that whenever we’re in pain, time tends to move VERY SLOWLY. And if you were to place the fate of your recovery in the hands of luck, then you’ll wind up being disappointed, suffering much longer than necessary, and wasting a lot of valuable time waiting. If you prefer to heal sooner rather than later, then you need to be aware that there’s a right way and a wrong way to approach your healing after infidelity. Let me explain what I mean.
RIGHT WAY VS WRONG WAY
When it comes to healing after betrayal, there are two approaches you can take: (1) you can take the passive approach to healing, or (2) you can take the active approach. You will find that one of these two approaches is much more popular than the other. Can you guess which one it is? If you said the passive approach to healing… then you would be correct.
WHAT IS THE PASSIVE APPROACH?
The passive approach to healing basically comes down to you waiting on “time” or “someone” to heal you. This approach is deeply rooted in the belief that healing comes from somewhere (or someone) outside of you. It does not.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TAKING THE PASSIVE APPROACH IF YOU'RE THINKING THINGS LIKE...
DID YOU NOTICE?
All the thoughts above deal with some variation of the same rooted belief… “My healing is not in my hands”. The challenge? This type of passive approach simultaneously puts you in a victim mindset (i.e. I can’t help myself). It fosters a sense of entitlement (they owe me). Sadly, whenever the victim mindset merges with the entitlement mindset, it tends to make a bad situation feel much worse.
But that doesn’t have to be your story.
There’s a better way. This way allows you to move through the recovery process with all of your self-esteem intact. This way leads you to post-traumatic growth instead of post-traumatic stress. So what is this way? Great question. The answer is coming up next.
The active approach
Rather than take the passive approach, I suggest you take the active approach to your healing and recovery.
So, what is the active approach? The active approach is rooted in the belief that healing comes from within. Those that choose to take the active approach to healing discover ways of getting in touch with that place within that makes healing possible.
WHEN YOU TAKE THE ACTIVE APPROACH...
Instead of passively suffering, you spend your time actively processing. Instead of believing there’s nothing you can do to help yourself, you spend your time actively learning how to help yourself.
PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY...
When you take the active approach, you no longer settle for “suppressing or tolerating the hurt and negativity.” Instead, you take full control of releasing it completely.
The Key decision
And while you consider that, also consider this:
You can either hold on to the hurt, or you can let the hurt go! But you can’t do both. Here’s what I mean: When you choose one, you automatically discard the other.
So the way I see it… the real question facing you today is this: “Do I want to keep holding on to all of this hurt, or am I ready to let it go?”
And if you’re one who’s ready to learn what you can do to heal the hurt… then you are going to greatly from my next step recommendation.
NEXT STEP RECOMMENDATION
MY MASTERCLASS COLLECTION FOR
What is my masterclass collection for
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Explore my Betrayed recovery collection here.
MY CLOSING THOUGHTS
YOUR HEART IS LIKE ROSE.
Tender enough to bruise but it’s strong enough to push past the hurt. It’s delicate enough to suffer but courageous enough to love again. And like that rose bush in the opening story… your heart has the capacity to be trampled on. And rather than break… it too can discover how to break through the pain.
AND AS YOU CONSIDER THAT, CONSIDER THIS:
Once a thing has happened, there’s no way to go back and prevent it from happening. And so, the past (while painful) is no longer the real problem. The real problem facing you is… how can you best move forward from a painful past while doing everything you can to ensure you never find yourself in this type of painful situation again?
And finding the answer to that question is (in my opinion) what recovery for the betrayed partner is all about.