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Infidelity Advice for the Other Woman (or Man)

Today We Come Out of Denial

Greed: the belief that we can gain from the loss of others.

If you’re thinking of ending an emotional affair you’re caught up in, I assume you already know this lifestyle will never make you happy.

What you may (or may not) be aware of is that the feelings, thoughts, rationales and excuses you accept aren’t unique. No matter how “special” or “different” your situation may feel to you, if it’s based on deception, you’re on a collision course with disappointment.

What follows are a collection of conversations that have taken place between me and my clients who were looking for ways to end an emotional affair. You’ll see some of the most common excuses most people in this situation use and my best advice to help those caught in an affair to come out of denial.

FACING THE EXCUSES

CLIENT: I would love to end it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

My Advice: There’s a part of you that knows you deserve more — the part that says “I would love to end it.” Put a stop to that sentence. Focus on the part that would love to end it. The voice that’s telling you “you can’t” is the voice of weakness and small thinking. You’re stronger than you know. End it, and build your self-esteem.

CLIENT: The few hours we spend together will be enough.

My Advice: Compromise will only bring you humiliation. It may seem okay now, but it’s hard being lonely on Valentine’s Day. It’s wise to remind yourself that no matter what, you’ll never be fulfilled in a relationship that doesn’t grow.

CLIENT: He/she says one day we’ll be together.

My Advice: This sword cuts both ways. Even if he/she gets divorced, your life together started on a shaky foundation. If their primary relationship breaks up because of your affair, think of the guilt he/she will carry from destroying a marriage and disrupting the home environment for their children.

And here’s more bad news:  For the same reason you can’t borrow your way out of debt, you can’t solve your relationship problems by getting into another relationship.

I just keep telling myself, the few hours we spend together will be enough.

So even if he did leave and come to you, he will NOT treat you the same as he did when he saw you during his marriage. With the stage lighting, excitement of the forbidden, and lure of escapism gone, you become just two ordinary people again. Every relationship has its share of problems. This one will be compounded by lack of trust and your low self-esteem for allowing it to happen this way. Be very careful what you wish for.

CLIENT: I can’t seem to let him/her go.

My Advice: Shift the focus from the other person to you. Be willing to face the truth head on: What is it about him/her that is SO addictive that you can’t let them go? I think if you get honest with yourself, you’ll notice that person triggers certain feelings within you. You see, the fact is, it’s not the person in particular that you want. It’s the feeling.

Shift the focus from the other person to YOU. The fact is, it’s not really the other person you crave. It’s the feeling.

Ask yourself: do you believe in abundance, or do you believe in scarcity?

If you believe in abundance, it should be pretty easy to let go, and know there are other available people on the planet with whom you can experience those same wonderful feelings. If you believe in scarcity, you’ll wind up clinging desperately to meager scraps. Both of these are choices.

Why not choose the one that serves YOU the best?

CLIENT: I felt like a fool when I found out he was married, but like an idiot, I still stay with him.

My Advice:  The “fool” has always played an important role in history. In medieval times, the fool provided the entertainment, the laughs and the jokes. All at the expense of their own pride. That’s a heavy price to pay for attention.

So ask yourself: why are you playing the part of the “fool”?

Obviously, you’re a wise and intelligent person (or you wouldn’t be seeking help). Yet there’s still a place inside of you saying yes to playing the fool.

My Advice:  Yes, you are. What’s the outcome of believing in yourself? Why are you ready to believe you are weak?

Falling in love with a married man (or woman) isn’t a “weak” choice… it’s just not a smart one. You have to remind yourself that strength comes from doing.

Remember, it’s easier to act yourself into good thinking than it is to think yourself into good action.

NOW would be a good time to take action, let go, and see what happens. Once you do so, you’ll be shocked at how strong you really are.

CLIENT: I know what the right thing to do is, but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.

My Advice:  Knowing and “doing” are two separate things.

One is thinking; the other is acting. What you’re saying is, you’re afraid  to let go. That “fear” blocks you. It’s time to face this fear. Realize that fear has nothing to do with anyone outside of yourself.

F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real)

Fear is just another emotion. It’s triggered by poor thoughts that aren’t real. The time to reclaim your power is NOW. You won’t do so by thinking about it. You have to reclaim your power by doing what’s best for you. If you want to feel good about yourself and your life, you must make the most impeccable choice. Anything else leads to self-loathing.

CLIENT: I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel like this.

My Advice: Don’t confuse “drama” for “love”. If you get high when you’re with him/her and feel down when you’re not, you’re living out a soap opera. Give yourself a chance at finding a real relationship — one based on trust, honesty and solid commitment. When you do so, it will be easy for you to see that this is by far more powerful and real.

The person who’s more willing to walk away has all the power.

The hurt of ending it will be less than the hurt of knowing you caused pain and suffering to others.

It will give the other person time and energy to focus on their primary relationship and make honest choices.

You will save your gift of love for one who’s available to receive it and fully return it to you with the openness, honesty and intensity you deserve.

You will hold your head up high because staying will lead you deeper and deeper into feelings of shame.

You deserve top billing as the lead character (versus playing the supporting role in someone else’s drama).

You want to be loved and cherished for who you are.

You refuse to allow someone to use you to deceive another.

You understand that what goes around, comes around. As you sow, you shall reap. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You will avoid consequences for your part in the affair.

You give yourself the opportunity to enjoy the whole pie instead of just the crumbs.