End The Affair
ADVICE FOR THE "OTHER" MAN OR WOMAN
What to do if you are seeing a married
(or otherwise committed) person
Today We Come Out of Denial
Greed: The belief that we can gain from the loss of others.
If you are thinking of ending an emotional affair you are caught up in, I assume you already know this lifestyle will never make you happy.
What you may (or may not) be aware of is that the feelings, thoughts, rationale and even excuses you accept are not unique. No matter how “special” or “different” your situation may feel to you, if it’s based on deception, you are on a collision course with disappointment.
What follows are a collection of conversations that have taken place between me and my clients who were looking for ways of ending an emotional affair. You will see some of the most common excuses most people in this situation use and my best advice to help those caught in affair to come out of denial.
FACING THE EXCUSES
CLIENT: “I would love to end it but just can't bring myself to do it.”
My Advice: There is a part of you that knows you deserve more – the part that says, “I would love to end it.” Put a stop to that sentence. Focus on the part that would love to end it. The voice that is telling you “you can’t” is the voice of weakness and small thinking. You are stronger than you know. End it and build your high self esteem.
CLIENT: The few hours we spend together will be enough.
My Advice: Compromise will only bring you humiliation. It may seem okay now but it’s hard being lonely on Valentine’s Day. It’s wise to remind yourself that no matter what, you will never be fulfilled in a relationship that doesn’t grow.
CLIENT: He/she says one day we will be together.
My Advice: This sword cuts both ways. Even if he/she gets divorced, your life together started on a shaky foundation. If their primary relationship breaks up because of your affair, think of the guilt he/she will carry from destroying a marriage and disrupting the home environment for their children.
And here’s more bad news: For the same reason you can’t borrow your way out of debt, you can’t solve your relationship problems by getting into another relationship.
So, even if he did leave and come to you, he will NOT treat you the same as he did when he saw you during his marriage. With the stage lighting, excitement of the forbidden, and lure of escapism gone, you become just two ordinary people again. Every relationship has its share of problems. This one will be compounded by lack of trust and your low self-esteem for allowing it to happen this way. Be very careful what you wish for.
CLIENT: "I can’t seem to let him or her go."
My Advice: Shift the focus from the other person to you. Be willing to face the truth head on: What is it about him/her that is SO addictive, that you can’t let them go? I think if you get honest with yourself, you’ll notice that person triggers certain feelings within you. You see, the fact is, it’s not the person in particular that you want. It’s the feeling.
Ask yourself: Do you believe in abundance, or do you believe in scarcity?
If you believe in abundance, it should be pretty easy to let go, and know there are other available people on the planet who you can experience those same wonderful feelings with. If you believe in scarcity, you will wind up clinging desperately to meager scraps. Both of these are choices.
Why not choose the one that serves YOU the best?
CLIENT: "I felt like a fool when I found out he was married, but like an idiot, I still stay with him."
My Advice: The “fool” has always played an important role in history. In medieval times, the fool provided the entertainment, the laughs and the jokes. All at the expense of their own pride. That’s a heavy price to pay for attention.
So ask yourself. Why are you playing the part of “fool”?
Obviously, you are a wise and intelligent person (or you wouldn’t be seeking help). Yet, there is still a place inside of you “saying” yes to playing the fool.
CLIENT: I don’t think I am strong enough to let go.
My Advice: Yes you are. What’s the outcome of believing in yourself? Why are you ready to believe you are weak?
Falling in love with a married man (or woman) isn’t a “weak” choice. It’s just not a smart one. You have to remind yourself that strength comes from doing.
Remember, it’s easier to act yourself into good thinking than it is to think yourself into good action.
When would NOW be a good time to take action, let go and see what happens? Once you do so, you will be shocked at how strong you really are.
CLIENT: I know what the right thing to do is. But I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.
My Advice: Knowing and “doing” are two separate things.
One is thinking. The other is acting. What you are saying is you are afraid to let go. That “fear” blocks you. It’s time to face this fear. Realize that fear has nothing to do with anyone outside of yourself.
F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real)
Fear is just another emotion. It’s triggered by poor thoughts that are not real. The time to reclaim your power is NOW. You won’t do so by thinking about it. You have to reclaim your power by doing what is best for you. If you want to feel good about yourself and your life, you must make the most impeccable choice. Anything else leads to self loathing.
CLIENT: I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel like this.
My Advice: Don't confuse "drama" for "love. If you get high when you’re with him/her and feel down when you’re not, you are living out a soap opera. Give yourself a chance at finding a real relationship, based on trust, honesty, and solid commitment. When you do so, it will be easy for you to see that this is by far more powerful and real.
10 BEST REASONS TO END AN EMOTIONAL LOVE AFFAIR
- The person who is more willing to walk away has all the power.
- The hurt of ending it will be less than the hurt of knowing you caused pain and suffering to others.
- It will give the other person time and energy to focus on their primary relationship and make honest choices.
- You will save your gift of love for one who is available to receive it and fully return it to you with the openness, honesty and intensity you deserve.
- You will hold your head up high because staying will lead you deeper and deeper into feelings of shame.
- You deserve top billing as the lead character (versus playing the supporting role in someone else’s drama).
- You want to be loved and cherished for who you are.
- You refuse to allow someone to use you to deceive another.
- You understand that what goes around comes around. As you sow you shall reap. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You will avoid consequences for your part in the affair.
- You give yourself the opportunity to enjoy the whole pie instead of just the crumbs.
How do you release the guilt and say goodbye? >>go to page 3 of 3
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INFIDELITY
