Infidelity Advice for the Other Woman (or Man)

What To Do If You're Seeing a Married Person

by Suzie Johnson

Categories: All Articles, GoAskSuzie Article Archives

Are you the other woman (or man) caught in the web of infidelity?

Picture this: Two friends walk into an all-you-can-eat buffet. One woman immediately joins the line and starts filling her plate with everything she wants. The second woman doesn’t join the line. Instead, she waits until the other woman returns to the table to begin pilfering the leftovers from her friend’s plate.

What’s wrong with this picture?

If you’re at an all-you-can-eat buffet, why would you want leftovers from another’s plate?

That’s the million dollar question we’re attempting to answer. Think about it. When someone gets involved with a married person, part of the choice they make is to eat the crumbs, rather than the whole cake. Before you read on…here’s a fair warning:

What follows constitutes my opinions, tips, and advice for those who find themselves playing the part of the “other person” in the unfortunate triangle of infidelity.

You’ll find no judgment here.

It’s my opinion that infidelity and extramarital affairs call for insight into the cause—rather than punishment or blame.

However, I also believe that minimizing, denial, and dishonesty does no one any favors. It’s important to face the reality of where we stand…especially if we’re standing in quicksand.

My desire for you is simple: To be the voice that reminds you why you deserve more.

About the Part You’re Playing

Welcome to the fractured version of the happily-ever-after fairytale.

In this version, instead of marrying the prince, Cinderella settles for being the “mistress” of the king. Rather than have her own home, attend her own balls, and be the darling of his kingdom…she’s the king’s “dirty little secret.”

Of course, the king tells Cinderella to be patient. Someday (when the timing is right) he will leave the queen for her and she will be his queen. He locks her away in a tower in the far end of the kingdom and visits her occasionally.

Years go by with no sign that the king will ever leave his wife. He always has a good excuse. The parliament won’t allow it. The people of the country would be too disappointed. He would have to give up his crown. The time is just not right.

Fast forward to the end of the story. We see Cinderella…old and worn down, head in her hands, sad, lost, bitter, and alone.

Obviously, this is the version of the fairytale nobody wants to hear.

When you play the role of the “other person” in an extramarital affair, you officially become a member of a club no one ever dreams of joining. No matter what decisions got you where you are… you can make a new, better decision for yourself.

The fact is, VERY few people deliberately or intentionally start out in life wanting to be the “third” wheel.  Sadly, there’s no denying it happens all the time.

The right person at the wrong time?

This story always begins the same. You meet someone you’re attracted to, except they’re not available. But (for whatever reason), you either decide to dip your toe in the water or you may even throw caution to the wind and jump in head first.

At first, you think you can handle it.

But as time goes by, your attachment to this person continues to grow. They begin to matter to you more and more. You begin to believe that she/he really is right for you. You’ve never met anyone like them. The way they make you feel when you’re together is intoxicating. Before you know it, you think and dream about them. You can totally picture them in your life permanently.

Never mind that he has a wife (who doesn’t love him, understand him, or treat him right) OR that she has a husband (who neglects her, puts her down, and doesn’t love her).

You tell yourself…“THIS is the person for me. I love him/her. Our “timing” is just off. But we’re so great together that it’s worth sticking around until we can work out the particulars of being together.”

Choosing Fantasy Over Reality

The trouble is…the world you have created together is NOT real. It’s based on deception, lies, secrecy, and escape.

Here’s what I mean:

Before he or she met you, this person made a lifetime commitment to another. They promised to be exclusive and faithful, for better or worse. Then along comes “worse.” Maybe he or she really is in a poor relationship. Maybe he or she really does have a sexless marriage. Maybe he or she really isn’t getting enough love, affection or attention at home.

This should all be a big RED FLAG for YOU!

Think about it. Whenever someone tells you they want to have an affair with you because of problems at home, BEWARE!!!  No matter how GOOD you think they are…it’s evidence of weakness. Instead of dealing with their real issues, they look for escape. Unfortunately, they will use you (like a drug) as their escape.

The bottom line? Until the fog of deceit, lies, and secrecy clears, there’s no way for either of you to tell if what you feel is real.

If you allow yourself to get sold a bill of goods, you choose fantasy over reality. It hardly ever ends in happily ever after.

Love, Intimacy, and Emotional Unavailability

There’s no reward in pretense. The only true rewards come with facing reality. The reality is someone who’s committed elsewhere is emotionally unavailable to you on many levels.

As much as they might “want” to give you everything, a person with a divided mind is never free. When they’re playing both sides of the fence, they have to divide their emotions.

There is no such thing as “real intimacy” when one person is leading a double life. It’s all a facade.

Just like a broke person can’t give you a hundred dollars, this person CAN’T give you the intimacy, openness, honesty, and vulnerability that you deserve and that’s necessary to develop and sustain true love. Even if they don’t intend to, they’re bound to—and WILL—eventually hurt you.

The Attraction of the Forbidden

It’s human nature to want what we can’t have.

If you give a toddler several toys but tell him not to touch one particular toy, he’ll feel compelled to go after it as soon as you walk away.

This tendency is natural and exists within all of us. Knowing this doesn’t necessarily lessen the lure. We are all confronted with millions of choices everyday. It’s up to us to choose what’s best for ourselves.

The “wanting what you can’t have” fixation acts like a drug on your nervous system. It can be so intense that your whole world narrows down to that ONE thing (or person). You may find yourself craving them. You might even mistake these intense feelings for love.

What’s the secret to reversing this attraction?

Reverse your focus. Switch your attention from the “wanting” to the “having.”  Remind yourself, wanting is not nearly as rewarding as having.

Whenever you find yourself thinking of a person who you know to be “forbidden” or emotionally unavailable, STOP! Think to yourself…I’m focusing on the “wanting” and not on the “having.”

Next, we’re going to talk about the excuses. Read page 2 of 3