Once you’re aware that lying is a defense mechanism, it frees you from ever being trapped in a cheater's lies. You can see “through” them, rather than trying to understand them. You can condemn the “lie” and not the liar. You can afford to be gracious once you see it as a “weakness”, rather than as a personal attack against you.
If your partner is cheating, then he or she is lying. Not just to themselves, but to the rest of their world.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself: Suzie, won't they be getting away with these lies?
No, not at all.
There’s a high price to pay for lying. It robs people of their own sense of personal power. It steals their inner joy and destroys their feeling of freedom and self-respect. It almost always eventually leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
The universe you and I live in continually seeks to balance itself. Deception NEVER fulfills the deceiver. Lies ONLY trap the liar. There are absolutely NO REWARDS in heaven or on earth for lying to yourself or others.
The ultimate price for lying and deceiving others? Losing your own happiness (a pretty hefty price, don't you think?).
CREATING A SPACE FOR HONESTY
People ask me all the time … Should they hire a private detective, put spy software on their partner's computer, or engage in other “covert” infidelity detection methods?
Here's my answer:
In certain rare instances, all of those techniques have a place. However, I’m a firm believer in taking the high road whenever possible.
If you believe your partner is being deceptive and you use deceptive methods to discover the deception, then I have to ask … who is more deceptive?
About Becoming a Deception Detective
The first rule to take into consideration is that ALL cheaters WILL lie. After they have finished lying … they will promptly start lying again. It's not personal. It's just the nature of the beast. So how do you go about finding the truth … when so many lies are the norm?
To catch a cheat, it may first look like you must fight fire with fire (deception with deception). Hold on. Before you take the low road, know there IS another way. I call it “preparing a space for honesty”.
This plays a big role in the marriage wellness coaching program that I provide for couples who are facing this kind of uncertainty. It's based on the premise that Honesty is a two-way street:
Many of us say we want our partners to be totally honest — so long as they say the things we want to hear. BUT the moment they don't, we react and instantly fly into a rage.
Here's a good example of what I mean by that:
My brother went off to college in Connecticut. My mother, who lives in New York, insisted that he call her often to “check in”. When he did, she would ask him questions about what he did the night before, and what time he went to bed. He would only tell her what he thought she wanted to hear. Something like, “Mom, we studied most of the night and then went to sleep around 11 o’clock.” My mother would hang up the phone happy with the report.
But when he talks to me, it's different!
My brother is a lot younger than I am, so we’re more like best friends than siblings. I’ve made it so that I’m a person who’s “safe” for him to be honest with. This means I get the REAL story (i.e., he and his buddies were out partying in Hartford until they closed the bars about 2 a.m.). See the difference?
Most people cry foul when I explain this concept to them. They say you should tell the truth regardless of the consequences. While I agree that this would be ideal, it's just not realistic.
People will only be as honest with you as you allow them to be.
The reason most people lie? To protect themselves from the threat of danger or emotional pain. So, what if we removed that threat? What if we made it so that speaking the truth created HIGH positive rewards? How much more likely are they to be honest … voluntarily?
A lot more!
You see my point?
One last thing…
Do you feel you truly have reasons to suspect your partner is having an affair?
If the answer is “yes”, then please don't deny your feelings. Don't bury your head in the sand. Time isn’t on your side. After years of watching how the dominoes fall in the area of infidelity discovery, I would say chances are very good that your feelings are correct. But what can you do about it? There’s got to be a better way than spying on your partner or going out and finding your own private detective. I believe it’s better to get to the truth voluntarily. Don’t you? For more help on inspiring more honesty in your relationship, read my article about becoming a transparent couple.
Until we speak again...
Remember... Love Wins!
P. S. In rare cases, I will concede that covert infidelity detection methods should be used. Always, though, this has to be kept as a very LAST resort strategic option — never the first.