“Suzie, how do I prepare for the worst?”
By being willing to ask yourself the tough questions and being just as willing to hear the truth (no matter what that may be).
On a clean sheet of paper, draw two columns.
On the left side, make a list of your worst fears. For example: He/she falls in love and leaves. He/she gets HIV and brings it home to you. You become a struggling, single parent. You end up alone. You feel humiliated, etc.
On the right side, reframe all your fears into something positive. For example: Next to your fear of being abandoned, you might write, “Because I have family and friends to count on, it's impossible for me to be alone.” Or next to your fear of being humiliated, you could write “I've done nothing wrong. I will not accept shame.”
Why is this worksheet important?
I've discovered that most people rush into confrontation and/or hiring PIs to spy for proof without first being emotionally ready to deal with the truth. I'm convinced that taking time to face your fears gives you the necessary power and self-confidence to handle whatever emerges.
If you feel a strong suspicion that your partner is cheating, DO the emotional worksheet ahead of time. Get a grip on your fears, so they don't blindside you. The more they have to lose… the more they have to lie.
The more they have to lose… the more they have to lie.
Here's the reality of infidelity:
It's not the “sex” or loss of attention that hurts the most.
It's the deception.
YOU confront — and THEY deny. YOU cry, beg, and plead for the truth — and THEY lie. You promise to work it out, to be kind and patient and NOT to judge them. And yet, THEY still lie.
Well, there's good news and bad news about the lying game. The bad news is this: The more a person has to lose, the more they have to lie to cover up. Lying (just like denial) is a tactic to protect against the threat of emotional pain.
In other words, the majority of liars lie to protect themselves from being hurt. To them, it's a self-preservation technique. Am I saying that lying through your teeth to save yourself the headache of owning up to your actions is excusable?
Perish the thought!
What I AM saying is that lying, when you have a lot to lose, is standard defense. It's not the best choice. It's not the strongest choice. It's simply the lazy and cowardly choice.