Husband or Wife Caught Cheating?
How To Survive Infidelity
ADVICE FOR PARTNERS BETRAYED BY INFIDELITY
When Your Husband or Wife has Been Caught Cheating
ADVICE FOR PARTNERS BETRAYED BY INFIDELITY
Let me begin by saying…
There is really nothing anyone can say, to ease (or erase) the pain caused when a husband or wife has been caught cheating. Believe me. I truly understand... you wish it never happened... and it could just all go away.
I understand your anxiety.
I understand your anger. And I understand your confusion.
The discovery of a partner’s infidelity is heart breaking. It can rip through you like a lion tearing apart its prey. It feels devastating...all the way to the core of your being.
If I could reach across the screen of your computer and HUG you right now, I would.
But since that’s impossible…I am reaching out to you in this article.
As you struggle for understanding... and search for tools to make things right again... let these words be a beacon of light to help you gain clarity and make sense of the crisis you are facing.
COPING WITH BETRAYAL
It’s normal to feel hurt, pain, loss, anger, upset, grief, a sense of failure... to experience dramatic mood shifts, and sometimes even a loss of appetite and sleepless nights.
Sometimes a betrayed partner will feel guilty (and even shocked) at how deeply it hurts.
Let me reassure you...
You are NOT crazy or more fragile than other people. Copying with betrayal is the same as copying with the death of a loved one. Except, in this case, its not the person that dies… it’s the “dream”.
Infidelity has a grieving period.
You can expect sadness. You can expect some days to be better than others. You can expect to experience inner turmoil. And you can certainly expect normal things NOT to feel so normal for a while.
With that said…
There are some pitfalls that you should be aware of. These are like emotional booby traps so many people wind up getting stuck in. They prolong the pain and block the heart’s natural healing process. They will keep you down a lot longer than need be - if you let them.
Here’s the Key to Effectively Surviving Infidelity: It's only 5% about the situation AND 95% about how you respond to it.
There are basically two responses to infidelity:
- One response comes from ego-mindedness.
This puts the focus on blame and punishment. The emphasis is on "the wrongs" that have been done to you. It’s fueled by anger, bitterness, revenge, and pride. In the face of an “un-deserved” hurt (like a partner’s betrayal), it’s normal to want to lash out. And yet, it is a very destructive choice.
Bitterness, contempt, anger and revenge are the "ego's" poisonous darts. And hate is its weapon which destroys “all”... in its effort... to destroy “one”. Fueled by fear... (and fed by pride)... the EGO is a parasite that sucks massive amounts of power and energy from your heart and soul.
- The other response comes from love-mindedness.
This... focuses more on understanding, gaining insight into the cause, healing, forgiving and letting go. (Obviously, the better of the two choices).
The Six Deadly Traps that Slows Down
The Healing Process & Prolongs Suffering
1. THE VICTIM TRAP
"It’s so unfair! Why me?" These are the victim’s battle cry. How could he/she do this to me?
Here’s the truth.
Life isn’t fair. Take a look at nature and fairness isn’t apparent. Lions eat gazelles. Birds eat worms. Cats kill mice. And people who love each other sometimes hurt each other. It’s just a fact of life.
THE VICTIM’S MINDSET
- Sees a partner’s betrayal as a reflection of their personal failure.
- Perceives the partner’s betrayal as a deliberate attempt to hurt them.
- Holds on to “injustice” for extended periods of time.
- Uses “emotional” reasoning, rather than rational thinking.
- Appears “needy” and weak to others.
The biggest problem with the “victim trap” is that it focuses on the problem rather than the solution. This kind of “stinking thinking” can keep you stuck forever.
How to escape the victim’s mindset.
Take the role of your own advocate. Replace “it’s not fair” language with “it’s unfortunate”. Look for insight rather than insensitivity.
Key Point: “Life is equally unfair to everyone. That’s what makes it so fair.”
2. THE REVENGE TRAP
It’s an irrational (and equally seductive) thought.
Upon the discovery of an affair, many betrayed spouses immediately begin to fantasize about having an extra marital affair of their own... to get even.
Their first reaction is to even the score. To make their husband or wife pay for cheating on them. This is called having a “revenge affair”.
Whenever we decide to do something out of spite or revenge, it is a big indication that we are being controlled by somebody else’s behavior. Two wrongs do not (and will never) make a right. Revenge can't erase the pain or correct the mistakes which led to the affair happening in the first place.
Responding to infidelity with revenge is like responding to a fire with a bucket of gasoline. It can only make a bad situation much worse.
Here’s how you can avoid falling into the revenge trap:
Remind yourself…
Revenge and spite do nothing to undo mistakes of a cheating spouse. In fact, they can only make things worse. Infidelity is a mistake. It calls for love and understanding. Not spite.
Key Point: “In the drama of infidelity, the demand for revenge is always sought after by the ego.”
3. THE ANGER TRAP
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than anything on which it is poured. Anger is a defensive response to a perceived threat. Believing we have been attacked, we feel justified to strike back.
When we find out about a secret love affair, it's almost impossible for us not to react by getting angry. We unleash all of our rage and project a lot of blame, shame and hurt onto others.
Attack provokes attack. Anger attracts anger. Either of these reactions always leads to more regret.
How to get out of the anger trap.
Tell yourself…“Anger is more about fear than any thing else.” Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. The moment you “get real” with yourself about your anger, that’s when you’ll discover it is nothing more than “hurt”... which is not worth holding on to.
Key Point: Blame and accusations are not conversations. They are simply other forms of attack.
4. THE MARTYR TRAP
You can’t make a person love you. All you can do is give and receive love.
The martyr believes that in life, everyone is always out to get them. The martyr is the ultimate collector of injustices.
SIGNS OF THE MARTYR
Supplication: Bargaining, begging and giving in order to get. None of these inspires love or friendship.
Like all “victim” behavior, this can be addictive. Some don’t even realize how much of a martyr they are. It may seem effective in the short term. But is a horrible strategy for getting what you want long term. Not only are people repulsed by begging and pleading, they wind up disliking (or even hating) the person doing the supplication. They see them as helpless, passive-aggressive, weak and dishonest.
Constant external reassurance: When you need someone else to constantly reassure you, it robs you of your own self-esteem and gives the other person power over you. You may even begin to loathe yourself for constantly seeking the approval of others and being so needy. This type of behavior does you no favors.
Extended suffering: There’s a big difference between pain and suffering. If you get out of bed and stub your toe in the morning, you feel pain. But if you spend the entire rest of the day wishing you hadn’t stubbed your toe, you have chosen to suffer.
Key Point: In life, pain is guaranteed. Suffering is optional.
Extended suffering is a sure sign that your interpretation of events is incorrect.
How to get out of the martyr trap.
Key Point: Empower yourself by accepting reality for what it is, rather than wishing it was different.
This is the first step towards dealing honestly with reality and finding out that you are not alone. You are not being abandoned or persecuted. You are simply facing a challenge like so many others.
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INFIDELITY
